Creative

Today is going to be an interesting day, mostly in the productive, boring manner, but I'm not going to write too much about that since I'm actually vlogging today. Yes, the vlogs are back, but I don't know just how much I'm going to be doing them since I am still coming out of the dark, whiny hole I spent the past few weeks in (see my last post for a few more details). While I have been feeling better overall, I still haven't been in a spot where I felt there was something I really wanted to share online, because nothing too interesting has happened.
When I have a bad day, I don't get overly emotional or anything like that, it's much more lika complete emotional shutdown. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, and I don't really feel anything. That's what the past days have been like, and I don't really know why, except the reason I have already mentioned on here.
However, I feel like I am back in a creative way now. I wrote about 2000 words last night on a project I'm doing just for me, and it felt really good. I'm hoping this was a sign that I might be back in other ways too, but only time will tell I guess.
I do, however, have friends coming over later today, and I feel really good about that. Chatting with my girlfriends are something I really appreciate, especially since I'm a really talkative p
erson (on days I feel good). I actually have a lot of socializing coming up, and I feel really excited. Both tomorrow and Friday are filled with social activities that will force me to get out of the apartment. Being around people I like always makes me feel better. And what's more, it gets my creativity flowing again, which is something I really need right now.

I'm Back

   I've been gone for quite a while, two whole weeks, and I don't really know how I'm supposed to explain why. The reason being, this is completely new to me, something I haven't really lived through before.
   I've been depressed before, I've felt down before, but for the first time in my life I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do. And this is not like "Oh, I don't know what to do today", because that's really never been a problem. This is "I don't know what to do with my existance on this planet."
   And for me, that's really weird. You all know my bucketlist. You'd think someone with that many goals, would know what they're doing with their life, and where they want to get, right? Well, you'd be wrong. The past weeks I've been feeling very lost, like nothing in my life really mattered, and like my goals and aspirations didn't really matter. That's a very scary place to be in, and I spent two weeks there. I've never felt like that before. Sadness and emptiness are pretty much commonplace for a person like me, but not having direction is new and scary, and for two weeks I've felt paralyzed by that.
   I'm better now, but I'm still not sure about a lot of things in my life, but the large things have always remained the same: I'm determined to be a writer, and I'm grateful for and happy about my relationship with the person I live with, and where we are at right now. The big dreams are the same, it's just that I don't know how to get to them.
   I feel better now, but the thoughts are still there. I'm no longer paralysed by the fears I have, but they are still left inside my brain, rattling around in there. But, I'm workin on it, day by day. I've decided to take on one issue every day, adress it in my brain and figure it out, more of a step by step process isntead of freezing up and thinking about everything at once.
   If you're feeling the same way right now, that your life doesn't really have direction, know that that changes. You're not going to feel lost forever. Some day, you're going to wake up and realise you know exactly what to do, what your goals are and how to reach them. It might not be today, or even tomorrow, or even two weeks from now. But it happened for me, and it's going to happen for you to. Have faith in yourself, and have patience. You've got this.

I'm Not A Good Person?

From Fooducate

   I'm often concerned about not being a good person. I think things I should never think, and I know a lot of other people do the same. About people you meet on the street, about people you see on a daily basis ( "What is she wearing?" "Why is her hair like that?" "Why would he wear that cologne?"). But there's something very important you need to understand about this, something that it took me a very long time to realize.
   It's not what you think first that matters, it's what you think second. If you walk around judging people, and you don't think twice about it: you are really a bad person. But if your second thought is something along the lines of "What? She gets to wear what she wants!" "She probably likes having her hair like that." "Maybe his girlfriend bought it for him because she likes the smell", good news: you're not a bad person.
   What we first think about people is often the things we've been conditioned to think. Media often pegs people against eachother, and we're made to think less of others based on shallow things, like their clothes, hair and other things that can be bought, because if we haven't seen commercials about it, and it's expensive as heck, it's clearly not worth it.
   Know that the initial thought you have (and wether you express your first thought or not) doesn't reflect the kind of person you are. It's the thing you think after defines you, if you regret being judgemental without real cause, you're a great person. If you walk around judging people and talking down to them, you have a serious problem and should probably reflect on that.
   What matters is how you treat people, and if you reflect on yourself for those judgemental things you think or say and regret it afterwards. What makes you a good person is being willing to work on yourself, constantly. Being a good person means you have to be able to change, work on the way you view people, media, news and the world. Work on the way you walk, talk and think, and it never stops.
   You're never finished as a person, no matter what you acheive and what you do with your life, you always have something to improve on. The way you speak to other people and the way you speak to yourself should be connected, be kind to everyone around you, including the person in the mirror. You have every right and every reason to improve the way you think, and critiquing the way you think about people is a great way to start.
   Think about the way you speak and think, think nothing about other people without knowing. Let them make their own choices, just like you make yours every day.

Home

   I'm finally home! After a lot of planning to make it possible, and a four hour long train trip, I'm at mom and dad's place. I'm going to be staying at my parents house over the weekend, spending some time with family. I honestly didn't have time to travel (I have tons of stuff to do at the moment) but better to travel now than during exams week. I'm in the middle of deadlines, catching up on the stuff I missed when I was sick, and a ton of other things that should get done, but it's still better to travel now than when I'm in the middle of my exams, powering through on too little sleep and too much caffeine.
   So far I haven't done much around here. I just got back from a small trip to the grocery store with my mom (let me tell you, the center has changed a lot since I moved out!), where I got some snacks for myself, since I still have to do some working/studying while I'm here. It's very hard to get the entire weekend off, but if you're also a student you probably know that.
   I've also played Monopoly with my mom and Erik, my younger brother. I've really missed playing games with my family, we're all quite competitive and the playing tends to become quite passionate and energetic, which is always nice.
   This morning I also enjoyed a short walk in the forest, fall is really here! I saw so many pretty mushrooms it was hard not to take pictures of all of them, but this particular one is my favourite. I really think I should get in more walks/hiking in the forest or otherwise outdoors and outside of the city, because it makes me feel really good.
   I'm still a bit sick, but it's mostly coughing and a sore throat left. I'm hoping to be well by Monday so that I can attend classes as usual the incoming week, my attendance has been spotty lately due to dying of fever and headaches. I'm however not contageous anymore, and I'm feeling good enough to actually stay active throughout the day, though I'm usually exhausted in the evenings.
Greetings from the countryside!