Creative

Today is going to be an interesting day, mostly in the productive, boring manner, but I'm not going to write too much about that since I'm actually vlogging today. Yes, the vlogs are back, but I don't know just how much I'm going to be doing them since I am still coming out of the dark, whiny hole I spent the past few weeks in (see my last post for a few more details). While I have been feeling better overall, I still haven't been in a spot where I felt there was something I really wanted to share online, because nothing too interesting has happened.
When I have a bad day, I don't get overly emotional or anything like that, it's much more lika complete emotional shutdown. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, and I don't really feel anything. That's what the past days have been like, and I don't really know why, except the reason I have already mentioned on here.
However, I feel like I am back in a creative way now. I wrote about 2000 words last night on a project I'm doing just for me, and it felt really good. I'm hoping this was a sign that I might be back in other ways too, but only time will tell I guess.
I do, however, have friends coming over later today, and I feel really good about that. Chatting with my girlfriends are something I really appreciate, especially since I'm a really talkative p
erson (on days I feel good). I actually have a lot of socializing coming up, and I feel really excited. Both tomorrow and Friday are filled with social activities that will force me to get out of the apartment. Being around people I like always makes me feel better. And what's more, it gets my creativity flowing again, which is something I really need right now.

I'm Back

   I've been gone for quite a while, two whole weeks, and I don't really know how I'm supposed to explain why. The reason being, this is completely new to me, something I haven't really lived through before.
   I've been depressed before, I've felt down before, but for the first time in my life I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do. And this is not like "Oh, I don't know what to do today", because that's really never been a problem. This is "I don't know what to do with my existance on this planet."
   And for me, that's really weird. You all know my bucketlist. You'd think someone with that many goals, would know what they're doing with their life, and where they want to get, right? Well, you'd be wrong. The past weeks I've been feeling very lost, like nothing in my life really mattered, and like my goals and aspirations didn't really matter. That's a very scary place to be in, and I spent two weeks there. I've never felt like that before. Sadness and emptiness are pretty much commonplace for a person like me, but not having direction is new and scary, and for two weeks I've felt paralyzed by that.
   I'm better now, but I'm still not sure about a lot of things in my life, but the large things have always remained the same: I'm determined to be a writer, and I'm grateful for and happy about my relationship with the person I live with, and where we are at right now. The big dreams are the same, it's just that I don't know how to get to them.
   I feel better now, but the thoughts are still there. I'm no longer paralysed by the fears I have, but they are still left inside my brain, rattling around in there. But, I'm workin on it, day by day. I've decided to take on one issue every day, adress it in my brain and figure it out, more of a step by step process isntead of freezing up and thinking about everything at once.
   If you're feeling the same way right now, that your life doesn't really have direction, know that that changes. You're not going to feel lost forever. Some day, you're going to wake up and realise you know exactly what to do, what your goals are and how to reach them. It might not be today, or even tomorrow, or even two weeks from now. But it happened for me, and it's going to happen for you to. Have faith in yourself, and have patience. You've got this.