Recovery

   I have been gone forever. Not a single blogpost in very many days, no uploads, nothing. I kind of want to try to explain why to you.
   As most of you know, I'm suffering from depression and have done so for quite a few years. I'm getting better, but I'm still not well. I fight constantly to get back to a happy, healthy me, but it's not that easy. Many people think those with depression need to "cheer up", but like with any illness, it's not that easy. Just because you want something to go away, it doesn't mean it's automatically going to.
    I have been depressed since I started 9th grade, and I don't really know why it's stuck with me for about six years. I don't even really know what triggered it in the first place, though I do have some theories: awful "friends" who put me down for everything I said and did, feeling isolated and not fitting in in the small community where I lived, and so on. But the truth is, I don't really know where it came from, and that makes it harder to combat.

From: Mending Mable on Wordpress

   Now to the reason I've been gone. Right now, I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to get healthy, and I've come a long way from my lowest point. On good days, I now feel genuine happiness. On good days, I don't always hate the way I look. On good days, I don't have to fight to get out of bed, I don't have nightmares, I don't randomly burst into tears or have painful and horrifying anxiety attacks. But those are the good days, and recovery is not linear. It doesn't get better and better all the time, sometimes you fall back into old memories, feelings, and you start to feel really bad again. I've been stuck there for a few days now, alternating between feeling really crappy, and just being a bit sad some days.
   Because no matter how much you fight your depression, anxiety or whatever you have, you're going to have some bad days. It pains me to say it, but it's inevitable. Despite you being in recovery, you will cry, have anxiety attacks or not want to eat, depending on what your condition is. But the thing is, if you keep going, things actually do get better, even if it's not linear.
   When I compare my overall self with the one I experienced several years ago, I feel great now compared to then, and the factors are many. I live in a community where I'm accepted. I have friends who actually like me and don't put me down over what I like, think or feel. I'm in a healthy, happy relationship. I'm attending my dream university, and I'm slowly but surely making my way towards the degrees that I want. Life is going great for me, and those thoughts put into my brain during 9th grade are slowly starting to disappear. Maybe I'm not stupid. Maybe I'm not ugly. Maybe I'm actually funny, smart and blessed with a creative talent, and I could conquer the world if I want to.
   I'm still fighting, but I'm starting to see results for what I'm fighting for. I'm starting to be genuinly happy about things in my life, and appreciate all the things I didn't before. I'm not well yet, but I'm getting there.
   The last few days I've fought really hard, trying to handle my pain in every way I can except break down, and I've actually managed pretty well. I still feel lost, but I know my direction will come back. I still feel sad, but I know my happiness will come back. It's just a matter of time now.