This Is Going To Be Really Honest

Yesterday's sunset

   I haven't been feeling to good lately, and I honestly don't know what's the issue. I'm not sleeping well, I never feel hungry, I'm always tired, grumpy and annoyed at everything. And I have no idea what's causing it. I'm about to celebrate my first anniversary with the person I live with, travelling outside the country for the first time with him. Summer has fully arrived. I'm about to go home for three months, where I have a job, get to spend time with my family, see our kittens and cats, and enjoy everything summer has to offer. But I can't feel happy, and I don't know what's wrong. I'm moving forward in my life, and I'm still not feeling better.
   I've been questioning everything lately. Am I doing/saying/thinking things to make other people happy, or to make myself happy? Am I making my choices based on what I want, or on what others around me want. I don't know what makes me happy anymore, or if I'm actually happy. Sometimes, I think I just think I wonder about things to overanalyze and make things too hard for myself, or if there's actually a problem that I'm missing.

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   But I have also decided to not make it a big deal. I've always believed that happiness comes to you when you're not thinking about it too much. But this time, I don't know where to turn my attention this time.
   Maybe I need to think less, and do more. Maybe I have to start focusing on the bucket list. Maybe I should just work more, harder and start focusing on the things that are going well in my life.
   Speaking of my bucket list, I'm already planning for summer. I'm going to Kummakivi, which is one of the 1100 things on my bucket list. I'm going to start learning spanish, which is another point on that list. I'm going to hit 100,000 unique views on this blog, which is another point on that list. And chances are, I'm going to reach 10,000 views on the channel as well. I'm going to read the large classics, I'll practice my drawing and might be going to Sweden for a few days, if I get my way.
   And I'm all for summer, because I think if I do all those things, work hard both with myself and on my actual job, I think I'm going to find my happiness again.
   Because I know I'm going to have to put in really hard work to find my happiness again, I know I'm going to have to make a serious effort. Because happiness is actually not that easy to acheive, not for all of us. I'm already fighting my brain and my sickness, I don't need to feel that about the rest of the world too. I don't need to fight the people surrounding me, my environment, anyone else but myself.
   Because happiness is all in your head. It took me twenty years to figure that out, and I'm going to share this with you so you don't have to spend the same amount of time figuring it out for yourself. It's not about what you have that is material. It's about what you do, what you say and the people you do those things with, say those things to. Happiness is making an effort, making an impact, working towards something. To be happy, you have to stop being mediocre, you have to find something and make it the things you're insanely good at. You have to find friends who are better than mediocre, who make you smile and laugh every single day, do things that make you feel accomplished (wether it's something like getting out of the bed and taking a shower, or running your own company, becoming a parent or finishing a book). Remember that your accomplishments are chosen by you, and only you.
   And if you ever find yourself in the same place I've been for a while now, know that it will pass. You'll stop feeling empty. But it will go a lot faster if you do something about it. If you try your very best to make things work, if you make a real effort.
   Because even if we'd like to think that happiness is something that should just be given to you, that's not the case. Happiness is something you're going to have to work for, make efforts for. But those efforts are going to be different from person to person. So focus on your passion, your goals, and eventually, happiness will come to you too, when you least expect it to.