Today is going to be an interesting day, mostly in the productive, boring manner, but I'm not going to write too much about that since I'm actually vlogging today. Yes, the vlogs are back, but I don't know just how much I'm going to be doing them since I am still coming out of the dark, whiny hole I spent the past few weeks in (see my last post for a few more details). While I have been feeling better overall, I still haven't been in a spot where I felt there was something I really wanted to share online, because nothing too interesting has happened.
When I have a bad day, I don't get overly emotional or anything like that, it's much more lika complete emotional shutdown. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, and I don't really feel anything. That's what the past days have been like, and I don't really know why, except the reason I have already mentioned on here.
However, I feel like I am back in a creative way now. I wrote about 2000 words last night on a project I'm doing just for me, and it felt really good. I'm hoping this was a sign that I might be back in other ways too, but only time will tell I guess.
I do, however, have friends coming over later today, and I feel really good about that. Chatting with my girlfriends are something I really appreciate, especially since I'm a really talkative p
erson (on days I feel good). I actually have a lot of socializing coming up, and I feel really excited. Both tomorrow and Friday are filled with social activities that will force me to get out of the apartment. Being around people I like always makes me feel better. And what's more, it gets my creativity flowing again, which is something I really need right now.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Friday, October 12, 2018
I'm Back
I've been gone for quite a while, two whole weeks, and I don't really know how I'm supposed to explain why. The reason being, this is completely new to me, something I haven't really lived through before.
I've been depressed before, I've felt down before, but for the first time in my life I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do. And this is not like "Oh, I don't know what to do today", because that's really never been a problem. This is "I don't know what to do with my existance on this planet."
And for me, that's really weird. You all know my bucketlist. You'd think someone with that many goals, would know what they're doing with their life, and where they want to get, right? Well, you'd be wrong. The past weeks I've been feeling very lost, like nothing in my life really mattered, and like my goals and aspirations didn't really matter. That's a very scary place to be in, and I spent two weeks there. I've never felt like that before. Sadness and emptiness are pretty much commonplace for a person like me, but not having direction is new and scary, and for two weeks I've felt paralyzed by that.
I'm better now, but I'm still not sure about a lot of things in my life, but the large things have always remained the same: I'm determined to be a writer, and I'm grateful for and happy about my relationship with the person I live with, and where we are at right now. The big dreams are the same, it's just that I don't know how to get to them.
I feel better now, but the thoughts are still there. I'm no longer paralysed by the fears I have, but they are still left inside my brain, rattling around in there. But, I'm workin on it, day by day. I've decided to take on one issue every day, adress it in my brain and figure it out, more of a step by step process isntead of freezing up and thinking about everything at once.
If you're feeling the same way right now, that your life doesn't really have direction, know that that changes. You're not going to feel lost forever. Some day, you're going to wake up and realise you know exactly what to do, what your goals are and how to reach them. It might not be today, or even tomorrow, or even two weeks from now. But it happened for me, and it's going to happen for you to. Have faith in yourself, and have patience. You've got this.
I've been depressed before, I've felt down before, but for the first time in my life I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do. And this is not like "Oh, I don't know what to do today", because that's really never been a problem. This is "I don't know what to do with my existance on this planet."
And for me, that's really weird. You all know my bucketlist. You'd think someone with that many goals, would know what they're doing with their life, and where they want to get, right? Well, you'd be wrong. The past weeks I've been feeling very lost, like nothing in my life really mattered, and like my goals and aspirations didn't really matter. That's a very scary place to be in, and I spent two weeks there. I've never felt like that before. Sadness and emptiness are pretty much commonplace for a person like me, but not having direction is new and scary, and for two weeks I've felt paralyzed by that.
I'm better now, but I'm still not sure about a lot of things in my life, but the large things have always remained the same: I'm determined to be a writer, and I'm grateful for and happy about my relationship with the person I live with, and where we are at right now. The big dreams are the same, it's just that I don't know how to get to them.
I feel better now, but the thoughts are still there. I'm no longer paralysed by the fears I have, but they are still left inside my brain, rattling around in there. But, I'm workin on it, day by day. I've decided to take on one issue every day, adress it in my brain and figure it out, more of a step by step process isntead of freezing up and thinking about everything at once.
If you're feeling the same way right now, that your life doesn't really have direction, know that that changes. You're not going to feel lost forever. Some day, you're going to wake up and realise you know exactly what to do, what your goals are and how to reach them. It might not be today, or even tomorrow, or even two weeks from now. But it happened for me, and it's going to happen for you to. Have faith in yourself, and have patience. You've got this.
Saturday, September 29, 2018
I'm Not A Good Person?
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From Fooducate |
It's not what you think first that matters, it's what you think second. If you walk around judging people, and you don't think twice about it: you are really a bad person. But if your second thought is something along the lines of "What? She gets to wear what she wants!" "She probably likes having her hair like that." "Maybe his girlfriend bought it for him because she likes the smell", good news: you're not a bad person.
What we first think about people is often the things we've been conditioned to think. Media often pegs people against eachother, and we're made to think less of others based on shallow things, like their clothes, hair and other things that can be bought, because if we haven't seen commercials about it, and it's expensive as heck, it's clearly not worth it.
Know that the initial thought you have (and wether you express your first thought or not) doesn't reflect the kind of person you are. It's the thing you think after defines you, if you regret being judgemental without real cause, you're a great person. If you walk around judging people and talking down to them, you have a serious problem and should probably reflect on that.
What matters is how you treat people, and if you reflect on yourself for those judgemental things you think or say and regret it afterwards. What makes you a good person is being willing to work on yourself, constantly. Being a good person means you have to be able to change, work on the way you view people, media, news and the world. Work on the way you walk, talk and think, and it never stops.
You're never finished as a person, no matter what you acheive and what you do with your life, you always have something to improve on. The way you speak to other people and the way you speak to yourself should be connected, be kind to everyone around you, including the person in the mirror. You have every right and every reason to improve the way you think, and critiquing the way you think about people is a great way to start.
Think about the way you speak and think, think nothing about other people without knowing. Let them make their own choices, just like you make yours every day.
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Home
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So far I haven't done much around here. I just got back from a small trip to the grocery store with my mom (let me tell you, the center has changed a lot since I moved out!), where I got some snacks for myself, since I still have to do some working/studying while I'm here. It's very hard to get the entire weekend off, but if you're also a student you probably know that.
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This morning I also enjoyed a short walk in the forest, fall is really here! I saw so many pretty mushrooms it was hard not to take pictures of all of them, but this particular one is my favourite. I really think I should get in more walks/hiking in the forest or otherwise outdoors and outside of the city, because it makes me feel really good.
I'm still a bit sick, but it's mostly coughing and a sore throat left. I'm hoping to be well by Monday so that I can attend classes as usual the incoming week, my attendance has been spotty lately due to dying of fever and headaches. I'm however not contageous anymore, and I'm feeling good enough to actually stay active throughout the day, though I'm usually exhausted in the evenings.
Greetings from the countryside!
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Date Night
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While there, I had a amazig Frutti Di Mare pasta, which was both delicious and looked fabulous. I honestly think I'll try it more times, which is a strong compliment considering I'm usually pretty sceptical when it comes to new food, even if I love to try new things. I very rarely find new favorites, but this one was really great.
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I never thought I'd actually find someone who completes me in this way, and I'm slowly starting to realise what people mean with when they call someone "the yin to my yang", because I finally feel like I'm in balance, like something within me that's been missing has been restored. To all of those who spend every day loving someone else unconditionally, I now understand how you can love someone without judgement, scrutiny or pre-structured conditions.
The person life gives you to spend your time on this globe with is not going to be the person you always imagined. They're going to be so much more than that.
Monday, September 17, 2018
Life Update
Monday, September 10, 2018
A Weight/Health Update
![Image result for quotes about getting fit](https://foreclosurestop.us/images/2018/07/getting-fit-motivational-quotes-inspirational-26-best-motivational-quotes-images-on-pinterest-of-getting-fit-motivational-quotes.jpg)
I have actually managed to loose weight these past few weeks, 1kg to be exact. And I know that's not a lot, or particularly impressive, but since loosing weight is just part of my goal, it makes me really happy. Last week, I paid the fee for the campus gym, for the entire year, and I've gone there once so far (next gym session this Wednesday), and it went surprisingly well. I really like it, although it's pretty small and somewhat crowded.
I'm also proud to announce that I have gone running in the past week, I started my day today with a yoga/stretching session to let my muscles rest a bit, and I've even planned some swimming into my schedule for the upcoming month, along with more time at the gym and more running.
I am honestly so proud of myself for this. I've never been the type of person to enjoy exercise very much, except very particular types (horseback riding and walking), and now I find myself having broadened my horizons enough to like things I never though I would, all while treating my body better and feeling a lot better.
I find myself having more energy, it being easier to get up in the morning, and even yesterday (when Theo was sadly sick with a fever and coughing), I enjoyed working out despite being on my feet taking care of both him, the kitten and all the other things I was supposed to be doing. I have always heard that exercising makes you more energized, but I honestly never thought it could make this much of a difference.
And to finish this little update, if any of you are wondering about specifik goals regarding my fitness, here's what I have so far:
1. Lose another 8 kilos, which will take me down to the weight I was before I gained weight last year
2. Be able to run 3km without having to start walking as a break
3. Feel happier and more energized throughout the day (acheived)
4. Gain more muscles in my arms, abs and legs
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
What To Do With Your Life
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It took me many many years to figure this out, but it's completely fine to not have everything figured out, to not always know the final step to every action you're doing, just figuring it out from day to day it's perfectly fine. And to be completely honest, it's a really confusing world, and no one really knows what they're doing. There are tons of adults still figuring themselves out, even though we were told our adolescence should be that time in our lives. And being an adult, or a student, or a teenager who hasn't figured out yourself, your life or your future is actually really normal and common.
People often put on a brave face and pretend to know what they're doing, but I'm here to tell you, that most probably they have absolutely no idea. We're all just out here, winging it. And while that is also scary, I think it's beautiful. We're a planet filled with morons who can't decide what we want to do in life, what we believe in or what we want for ourselves, and that's kind of awesome and hilarious at the same time.
Just because someone close to you seems to have their life together, accomplishing their goals and doing great, doesn't mean that you are somehow worse because your life hasn't been pieced together yet. You just need to find the right pieces and start building. Just like everyone learns at their own pace, runs their own pace, we also find ourself in a pace that is completely unique, which is why you shouldn't compare yourself to others.
If you're at a place in life right now, where nothing is making sense, you're confused and seeing other people who seem to know what they're doing; trust me when I say they're probably still confused about a lot of things no matter how perfect their lives seem, and some days, you are that person to someone else, even if you don't feel like it. Trust in yourself, and know that there will be a day where you wonder why you were ever worried.
Monday, September 3, 2018
New Schedule and Working Out Again
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I also registered for the gym, and I'll be getting my gym tag (needed to unlock the door to the gym) tomorrow after my lectures, picking up my ticket for the street festival and going to the doctor's office (don't worry, it's just a checkup, nothing bad). I also went for a run today, for the first time in what feels like forever. It went surprisingly well, I had an average speed of 8,5 km/hour. It really feels great to feel good enough to exercise again, since my mind/stress/body hasn't really allowed me to in a very long time, which is why I'm surprised that I was able to go running at all, and the fact that it went so well was both motivating and a nice surprise to finish an otherwise active day (I walked/ran 10 km altogheter today!).
Today also marks the third day in a row that I've worked out: a 30 minute home workout with situps and other simple exercises on Saturday, biking 11 kilometres Sunday and then running today. Today was easy though, just 1.5 kilometres.
But being back into working out feels great, and don't worry, I'll make sure to take enough time to rest inbetween. I honestly can't wait to see the results of this!
My Best Tips For Those Attending/Starting School!
Sunday, September 2, 2018
An Update on Estelle
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But the biggest change in her life the past few days has been the fact that she's gotten to be outside. We finally consider her big enough to go outside with her leash, and she loves the big outside world she now gets to be a part of! Instead of panicking and just laying down whenever we leave the apartment, she actually trots around, smelling leaves and studying her environment, and we're so proud of her!
However, since she now knows what it's like to be outside, she pretty much only wants to play and be outside all the time. However, she does get to be outside several times a day, and seems pretty satisfied with that.
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As for now, Estelle is playing in the apartment with a tiny, pink football Theo got her as a gift when they moved back here in autumn (she loves it, it's a personal favorite toy of hers), rolling around her on the floor with it. Having a pet again is such a joy, I can't believe I used to live without a pet before, and now I can't imagine doing it again. Estelle is such a huge part of our lives now, I don't think we could imagine our lives without her.
Saturday, September 1, 2018
A Change in Design (And Life in General)
So, as you know by reading the headline (and also clicking onto this page in general, if you've been here before) I've decided to do some re-branding. I've changed the blog name to something that suits me better now, since the old name was close to ten years old, decided to put my actual name as the author, and made some changes in color and background. This will also be true for my other social medias, because I've decided to step it up a notch.
I'm tired of always giving 50%, when I both should and could give 100. I feel so foolish, always walking around in the same circles, getting more and more rooted in boring habits. So guess what, we're taking every opportunity life throws at us and we are not going to let go. We're going all in, and we're not going to give in, not this time.
I want change, and to be really honest with you, I need change. I need something in my life to be different, and frankly almost anything would do by now, because I'm bored as hell over here. I feel like I could do better in so many ways, regarding so many things, but I don't, and that has to change now for me to be able to keep my sanity.
But as for the blog, the changes will be as you see them now, small changes in design and the changes in the names, and of course, a more frequent posting from my side. I still have a few small things to change, like profile pictures and so on, but as for now, this is it.
I honestly feel really great about this change, like I'm turning a page in a very important, intricate book, knowing the next chapter will be better than the one I just finished reading.
I'm tired of always giving 50%, when I both should and could give 100. I feel so foolish, always walking around in the same circles, getting more and more rooted in boring habits. So guess what, we're taking every opportunity life throws at us and we are not going to let go. We're going all in, and we're not going to give in, not this time.
I want change, and to be really honest with you, I need change. I need something in my life to be different, and frankly almost anything would do by now, because I'm bored as hell over here. I feel like I could do better in so many ways, regarding so many things, but I don't, and that has to change now for me to be able to keep my sanity.
But as for the blog, the changes will be as you see them now, small changes in design and the changes in the names, and of course, a more frequent posting from my side. I still have a few small things to change, like profile pictures and so on, but as for now, this is it.
I honestly feel really great about this change, like I'm turning a page in a very important, intricate book, knowing the next chapter will be better than the one I just finished reading.
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Young People Don't Know Anything
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As young people, we are expected to know what we want to do with our lives by 15 (and latest by 15), but if we realize we're gay, we suddenly don't know what we're talking about, because we are too young to know. When we find our view on politics, we're dismissed because we're too young to know. When we start realizing the patriarchy, racism, the views on other religions other than our own are huge problems, we are dismissed because we're too young to know what we're talking about.
To expect a child, because that's what teenagers beneath 18 are, still children, to choose something, and claim you support them, but turn around the second that choice doesn't support your views, then you shouldn't be a parent, especially if it's something that isn't a choice. Your gay son doesn't choose to be gay, your atheist daughter doesn't choose to not be catholic. It's something they feel in their heart, so it's not really their choice. If they choose to support equality, religious freedom, other sexualities, it's not to defy you, and to be honest, if you're a parent, an idol, grandparent or whatever: you honestly shouldn't care about what they choose to support. Just because something doesn't match your world views, it doesn't mean it's wrong.
If you expect your child to choose a career, a school, a place to live and an apartment, but when they choose their own beliefs, you shun them, I honestly think you're a shitty parent. You can't tell your child to be whatever they want to be, and then when they do, turn around and make them feel bad about. You are your childs first view of the adult world. Make a good impression.
Saturday, August 25, 2018
I'm Home
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Theo surprised with wine, flowers etc. when I got home |
Though I told myself that when I got back, I'd be able to take it easy and bum around for about a week before school starts, I realize that this is not the case. Already today there's been grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills, registering for school and planning my classes for the first two months. And for the rest of the day there's a lot more to do: unpack, reading emails (all three different accounts), editing the Husö vlog, and doing more laundry before I'm satisfied.
But I am, despite the work already forming, really happy to be back. I feel so motivated to get started with my studies again, and really give it my all this year, and not to mention all the things I'm doing/planning that aren't school related, such as projects for the blog, being part of different projects for the students at ÅA, and a bunch of other things. I can't wait to get this show on the road again!
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I got back to my cactus doing this... Used to be the size of the right one |
For now, I'm going to enjoy life on my couch and edit together a video showing all the things we did/saw/studied during those two weeks, enjoy some candy and listen to some nice music.
It's great to be back!
Thursday, August 16, 2018
I'm Living On an Island for 2 Weeks!
Sunset from Monday's walk |
We got here Monday, after spending the majority of the day on the boat which would take us to Mariehamn. The boat trip wasn't very interesting in it self, but I did get to see the class I'm spending these two weeks with, and they were all really nice to me. We had coffee, ate lunch on the boat and bought some candy to help us survive the intense class. When arriving at Husö, the place we're staying at, we were greeted by scientists in our field and took a short tour of all the building. We learned that this is a place for research as well as somewhere people come to write their doctoral thesis, and the surroundings and buildings were gorgeous. I paired up with the only person I knew well, since living space is always shared for those taking a class, and she turned out to be a delight to live with, so that worked out for the best. We had a short lecture and after taking a walk, I tumbled into bed, completely exhausted, something I soon would learn seemed to be the standard.
Tuesday was spent travelling to different lakes and collecting samples of insects and plant life before heading back to the lab where they all were identified, something that would take a lot of time and prove to be both difficult and very interesting. I very much enjoyed it, and we even had our lunch out in the field, something I think I'm going to remember for a long time, since both the view and the company was so nice.
The Yellow House, where we eat breakfast |
Picture from the lake we visited yesterday |
Spare time is also a bit sparse due to us having a really packed schedule. During the day, there's almost always a visit to a lake/other system planned, and then during afternoons/evenings we study species and have lectures, while planning tomorrows travels. During the day, we're lucky if we manage to have one our of free time, which is then (at least for me) spent studying for the exam we have at the end of this course. All in all, during the entire day, about four hours of time are put into our exercise, studies for the exam, showers/naps and such, and of course socializing with the others. No wonder you plummet into your bed at the end of the day, falling asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow!
However, being here is great. I'm learning so so much, and I'm getting to know really kind, interesting people from all over the country, which is always a fascinating experience. I'll update you more later, for now I have to head out for lunch!
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
Haparanda
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Once in Sweden, we really didn't do much. Since we go to Haparanda quite a lot, we have a bit of usual stuff we often do. We go to IKEA, and then we go for hamburgers at Max (which we've done about 2-3 times). We also visited a fishing store, since my dad and brother wanted some gear and I was searching for something for my upcoming class, which I didn't find ( I found it today however, when shopping with mom and dad in Kokkola). Most of the time was actually spent in IKEA, which I didn't mind. I actually love walking around, looking at the little displays of rooms, because I love to imagine what it would be like to live in apartments looking like that, or what it would be like to have a livingroom/kitchen/bedroom that looks the way theirs do. However, I didn't do any shopping there, since I prefer to buy furniture and things closer to home, and we happen to have an IKEA about 7km away from our apartment.
We also visited a candy store, which was huge. That's where I got the candy in the lower pictures (nerds, and Renskit, which literally translates to "raindeer droppings", which is despite the name quite a delicious candy).
I had a lot of fun there, and was especially surprised when I woke up this morning and realized I had slept very well, about six hours according to my watch, something that made making it to work today a lot easier. Needless to say, these past four days have been crazy intense, and I look forward to life calming down a few days before I have to start thinking about packing up my stuff and leaving (yes, I'm going back to Åbo next week's Sunday, sleep there for one night, and then going off onto the ocean to experience marine biology in the field, how exciting!).
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Before I log off for today though, I just want to say that I am insanely grateful for where I'm at in life right now. In the span of 3 days I've completed two things on my bucketlist, been to the edge of the Russian border and been to another country. I've been feeling happy (although a tad sleep deprived), grateful and motivated for almost a week, and I keep having new ideas on what to write, what videos to make, what to add to my bucketlist, etc. In short, I'm happy, and I can't wait to see what the universe has in stock for me for the upcoming months.
Today marks the beginning of a new month. Make the most of August. Acheive/work for your goals, travel, spend more time around people you love, and focus on making choices that are good for you! This month is for you to grab and make your own, lets do that!
Monday, July 30, 2018
Kummakivi!
So now I can cross off another thing on my bucket list, that's amazing! This is the first year I've had one and I'm already crossing so many things off from it, I feel great. I'm finally getting to a point in life where I'm getting to accomplish something and do things I've always wanted to do with my life and in my life. And the most perfect part: I have an amazing significant other who comes along on my adventures with me, how great is that?
Next step is completing more of the things on the bucket list, but more importantly, I'm of course going to cherish the memories we made on this trip and all the things we saw.
Also, I hope you enjoy the new video! I know I've been gone for a while, but don't worry there's an explanation coming up soon and you'll get to know and understand everything. Remember to check out my other videos by going to the youtube page here on the blog, and subscribe to my channel so you don't miss out on all the new uploads!
Friday, July 27, 2018
Supporting the Evolving
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I can actually feel myself growing as a person, as obviously as if I actually grew in size. I learn more and more about different topics and I can't help but wonder what opened my mind. I'm getting better at learning from my mistakes, seeing other people's perspective and not making big deals out of little things. I know more about the world, the people in it and myself than I've never known before, and that's an amazing feeling. I know one of my co-workers has a horse, one has a farm and another one that's going to become a teacher, things I didn't know when I furst started working with them. I know how to speak the beginning scentences of conversational spanish, and so many more things that I didn't know at the beginning of summer. I now know I'm perfectly capable of meditation, and that me and Theo will be perfectly capable of raising our little kitten.
I know I can let go of things, that I can reach my goals if I focus on them and that I'm capable of more than I could've ever imagined. And the thing is, nothing of that could've been possible without you.
Because if you're reading this, you're supporting me in one way or another. Maybe you're family, maybe you're one of my friends. Maybe you see me during lectures and stumbled across my blog. Maybe you just read this blog because why not, or to see what todays opinions on political issues are. Regardless of your relationship with me and this little safe haven I've created here, you support me. In all my crazy, weird ideas, all the stuff that I write, in all the oddities I put up for you to read here, you support me.
Without support, you can't really grow as a person. Without support, you'll forever be stuck with who you've been before, who you're always going to be, and let me tell you something: that's no way to live your life. Evolve, change, dare to think differently from what you're used to. Without support, it's very hard to expand your mind, emotionally, socially and when it comes to knowledge. Without support, it's very hard to evolve at all.
So thank you, for whatever kind of support you provide, and know that it all means a lot to me. Remember to evolve, to move forward, because you can do it too. Whatever you want to improve; physical health, reading more books, spending more time outside, sleeping more, acheiving more in your career, making more/new friends... Go for it. Because if you don't play the game, you can't win.
Thursday, July 26, 2018
My Day Off
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I have decided to do more things that scare me, and today I tackled one of them for the first time in a very long time: initiating social interaction with a person I don't know very well, which due to mild anxiety scares me a lot. Me and one of my co-workers have been talking about going out for coffee and get to know eachother better, and a few days ago I asked if she was free this morning, and then we decided to go to Majs Glasscafé in Jakobstad, which was a great choice (the cheesecake was splendid). And we actually hit it off. We talked for almost three hours, non stop about everything from family, to weird names, to work to school. Isn't it wonderful when you find someone you can speak freely with?
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Needless to say, I'm now exhausted. I've walked about 10 kilometres today, met more people than I usually do, done things that were completely out of my comfort zone (including jumping from a diving tower) and now I'm finally going to relax a bit and take some time to recharge my social batteries, have a protein yoghurt and drink the milkshake my parents brought me. What a great way to end such an intense day!
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
Think For Yourself
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I have always said not to judge the people around you from what you hear about them, because it just might happen to be false rumors, meet them and make your own view of who they are and what they do. You shouldn't trust someone else's experience, since people after all do grow and change over time, just like everything else in the universe.
Make up your own mind, follow your own path and if that makes you different from the other people around you: who cares? The world was never changed by people who all thought the same way, it changed for the better by people who dared to think in different ways, different patterns than all others. Don't be afraid, be yourself and make up your own mind despite whatever happens in your life.
Homesick
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It's also causing me to sleep a lot worse, like I sleep a full 8 hours, but I don't get any good rest, just bad sleep.
I'm also really looking forward to starting school again, even thought it'll be stressful I think it will be more interesting. I'm so motivated to start studying/working on stuff again, as soon as I get out of this creative rut. I already know what classes I'm going to take, and what I want to do when I get back to Åbo. I'm especially looking forward to the class that's going to kick all of this off: a 1.5 week long field adventure on Husö, a little island, where I'll get to learn all about the ocean and it's inhabitants. I'm really looking forward to it.
Another thing is, I'm experiencing something that I've never done before: I'm homesick. I miss the apartment, I miss all my stuff, sitting on the balcony studying, eating breakfast in the kitchen, baking, cooking diner for the both of us. I'm also looking forward to introducing Estelle. I want to go to the library again, take pictures by the river, going to class and evolve my mind, learning about new things and learning how the universe works. I can't wait to get back. I miss sleeping in my own bed, I miss my giant teddybear, all my clothes, seeing Theo every day... There are so many things I want to do next year, that I'm planning to do... I'm so excited to get there.
I also see my parent's house as home, but it's not really the same. Although, I'm homesick sometimes in Åbo too.
Friday, July 20, 2018
Everyone Wants Something
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpLMs__WBa3QbmOnO6FQtcOKHCKPIE50ETDEdB25itrywY9gQLkFCD9YyuzWTigZ2R58sV1MmvFPmRqfV21wlBtVJeGSi_7tRyjGmO9-5KfSmm6bnCbhfl48MbCf1EfmOgneZdIBLnQrLx/s320/IMG_20180719_184659.jpg)
But when your so called "friends" stop being around for you, always want your advice or something without giving you something back, like you are their personal amateur psychologist, there is a thing very wrong in your relationship, and I think it's very important to be able to see the difference between using someone and just asking them for some friendly advice. For example, if we meet up several times, and all that happens is that you lay your personal crap on me, there's no time for you in my life, because you're using me. If we meet up, and we both share stories, problems and questions, perfectly fine. Keep in mind that people are not here to please you, because most of us have more than enough crap to deal with without you barging in and claming our time for yourself.
Everyone needs to lean sometimes. We need to tell our friends secrets or issues, but if all you do when you meet your friends is you complaining about your personal issues, something is clearly wrong. Lean on your friends, it's perfectly fine, but make sure they know it's okay for them to lean on you too. And if you think leaning on your friends is perfectly fine, but them leaning on you is crossing a line, you really need to re-consider what you're doing in that relationship.
Same goes for you if you're concerned with your friends using you, because despite them doing something wrong in your relationship, you still enable it to happen. There's still something you do that lets them know that it's okay to step all over you and your needs and emotions. Examine yourself, and figure out why you're always there for them, what you're trying to acheive by doing so, and maybe you'll realize that it's time to drop that so called friendship, or you figure out a healthier way for the both of you to coexist.
People are not here in this world to cater to you, and you are not here to please them either.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Kindness
But those things are pretty far away, even the blood donation (my bloods to thin, so that sucks), but my om always taught me to help, you can't start with the big things, you have to start with smaller things. Like instead of fixing the entire world, start by fixing the smaller things around you. Many small, good deeds lead to a better big reality, and that's something that I've carried with me ever since I was kid.
Everyone wants to change the world, it's something that's imbedded in all of us: a will to make something better, by every way we can. And if you want to change the world, you have to start small. Do something nice for your neighbor, do the dishes so that your mom can get a break, take some time and spend it with your older relatives. To make a more kind, better world, there are a lot of things we can do, but the thing is, you have to be kind to do that. So that's the place to start. To make a kind, great world, show those qualities yourself.
Be more kind, more compassionate. Be better, and the world will respond.
Monday, July 16, 2018
Why I've Been Gone: Self Reflection
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I realized that I am not as well as I thought I was, something was rough to see. I am getting better, but I'm not great, not yet. I feel better, but not well. I still have a lot of things to work on, including how I handle feelings and what I let get to me. I don't understand why certain things get to me, why some people get to me more than others, and I've finally decided to not let those things and people bother me anymore. Only I have power over what hurts me.
I've also realized that I don't handle criticism very well, and that I need to express my emotions more. I need to talk about what I think, feel and my opinions, and not just on the internet. Out there, in the real world, face to face with actual humans. But I'm scared of that, since I have always gotten ridiculed for them, and I don't want to share my opinions and thoughts directly to people. I'm also more comfortable with expressing my thoughts in writing.
I've also been told something interesting about people close to me, and even though there are still things that bother me, like always having to apologize first and people being petty, I realize now that I can't ask this person to evolve in that way, simply because I think it would make them better, they have to evolve on their own, and there's nothing I can do about that.
I've also been thinking that I should spend more times doing a lot of things. I don't blog anymore, I don't photograph anymore, and I don't write as much. I miss doing all of those things, and I should really start doing them again. I'm not going to change that overnight, but there are some things I need to change.
So you know, here's a little list of the things I want/need to change for myself to become happier again
- Surround myself with happy people: let's get away from all the annoying, negative people on the earth, because how am I supposed to feel good around people who don't set out to be positive and happy?
- Start working out more: this one speaks for itself. I am loosing weight and getting in better shape, but I'm 100% sure that I can improve on it
- Read more: also, kinda explains itself. I always talk about improving myself, but I know I could put more effort into it. If Roosevelt could read one book a day during his precidency, I can put more effort into reading too.
- Sleep more, and drink more water: I do both of these way too little as it is, and if I'm ever going to get my life together, this is a good starting point. At least eight hours of sleep every night and two litres of water every day from now on.
- Express myself creatively again: drawing, writing, painting... All that. Give me more of that.
- Stop caring what people think about me: Most people don't even care, and I should apply that more to myself.
- And last but not least; Do both what I have to, and what I want. I haven't been able to fit both of these in my life since forever, and I want to find a balance.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Krombidan
Since we're quite the small community, our celebrations weren't what you'd call grand, but they were interesting and fun. An exhibit of old photos, coffee, stands across the streets, lots of activities for children, garage sales and so on and so on.
I feel better today, a lot better. But now I'm going to relax by introducing Theo to Doctor Strange, another masterpiece which he has somehow managed to escape watching. I need to relax a bit, because before I sat down, my legs felt like Jell-O.
Friday, July 6, 2018
On The Subject of "Best Friends"
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Source: Pintrest |
That being said, I have never had a best friend. As a child, I didn't really understand the concept. Why would you need to choose a friends to be more tight with than anyone else? Were they special or something? How did people pick them? Sometimes, girls would tell me we were best friends and I would kinda just go alone with it, because doing otherwise would obviously be very mean of me. I just didn't get the concept of why one of your friends needed to be the best one.
But now that I'm older, I'm kind of envious of the bond other women have with their best friends. They seem to have a special connection, something that I don't understand. Because I don't have any friends left from when I was a kid (off the few ones I had, since I was bullied throughout my childhood) because I evolved in a completely different way than they did (attending university, moving away from my parents and all that), I sometimes envy the people who have known their bestfriends for 10+ years when they're my age. I would not like to know any of those people from 10+ years back today, but I would like the same type of connection. It's something I've never had, and now I sometimes feel like I'm on the outside.
Because women do everything with their best friends. They talk about crushes, they drink together, eat together, have sleepovers, and for some goddamn reason, they go to the bathroom together?! I simply don't get it. Why would you ever share a bathroom with someone?
Also, best friends seem to talk on the phone for hours, constantly be available for eachother, and I don't understand how they do that? I live with my boyfriend, and we're still not available for eachother 24/7. How?! What kind of magic do these women possess that I'm suddenly missing out on, and what's even more perplexing: how do you find someone who puts up with you constantly for 10+ years?
This is a social construct that I don't understand, and something that I might not even understand in my lifetime. Girl-Girl best friendship is an amazing, magical thing, and it amazes me because I have no freaking clue what it means and how they obtain something like this.
![Image result for love](https://chrismlegg.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/i-heart-you-hanging-happy-valentines-day-2015-wallpaper.jpg)
Now I'm going to go to sleep, since I'm actually home sick with a fever right now, and I need some relaxing and sleeping so I can get well as soon as possible, because I have so many things that are either going on, or coming up, and I want/need to be well for all of those things to properly happen.
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
Authentic
From Ad Age |
![Image result for happy](https://i.vimeocdn.com/video/208974515_1280x720.jpg)
Being honest about yourself is a lot more scary. It opens you up for mockery, disbelief, doubt, getting strange looks, and sometimes even hatred. Because you're not going to care if someone dislikes you for the things you fake, you care when they hate you for the things you love or support.
I remember what it felt like to start being open about my personality, my illnesses and my hopes, dreams and beliefs on the internet. I was completely horrified, I was so scared, because it felt like I was going to get made fun of for everything I shared, but I couldn't have been more wrong. People supported me, my choices and my beliefs, told me I was brave, intelligent and supported me in every way they could. Sharing my real self was the most scary and most wonderful thing I've ever done.
Sharing true and authentic things is always an insanely scary thing, but it pays off, trust me. I'm happier than ever, because being honest about myself opened up a platform where I can always be honest, and people accept and relate to everything I share.
I know it's something scary to a lot of people, which means it's probably scary for you, reading this, too. But going through faking it your entire life isn't worth it either, trust me, because I know. I know just what it's like to be scared of being honest, to be scared of being judged or hated based off what you believe, or even worse: who you are.
So this is me. I'm a 21 year old Finnish activist, I love the smell of the ocean and the way grass smells in summer after it rains. I believe that equal rights for everyone should be obvious, that the death penalty is barbaric and that women and men should be socioeconomically equal. I value nature, a good book, and crime shows. I'm most often happy, inspired and hardworking, I struggle with depression and sometimes, when I'm already feeling bad, social anxiety. I laugh loudly, talk a lot and I either love or hate things, there's no in between. I'm messy and have a hard time talking about my feelings.
Trust me, it is a thousand times more easy to be honest, and it will open up lots of different opportunities for you, that you will not get otherwise. Honesty is really the best policy, and nothing can change that.
Monday, July 2, 2018
Monday, June 25, 2018
Separating Families
The United States becomes more and more appaling by the minute. Now they are separating children from their parents, because those parents decided to immigrate. This is very real, and the fact that people are doing close to nothing about it is even more horrifying. The States even recently passed a law that legally allows them to keep children separate from their parents, even those who are no older than toddlers.
This is absolutely insane, and this is happening in a modern society. These children live in tents, pictured here. They are guarded by trained, professional guards, and some witnesses even claimed that the diapers of younger children were changed by older ones. How inhumane do you have to be to accept this kind of treatment in your own country?
Apparently, "Land of the free" only applies if you're rich, white, and preferably male. Dear Donald Trump: "your" country is built upon immigration. Your family were immigrants, because I highly doubt you're native american. I don't understand how you can ignore something so fundamental for your society as a place where everyone can find happiness and a happy life. You ignore the constitutional right to freedom, while you cite it for every other argument.
What you're doing here is completely inhumane, and insanely wrong. I have no idea how you, the American people, are able to ignore this issue. I see articles about protesting, but not nearly enought to make a difference. I am baffled at how most people are just sitting back and ignoring this. You have nothing to loose, and yet you do nothing.
![Image result for united states family separation](https://media.pri.org/s3fs-public/styles/story_main/public/images/2018/06/2018-06-18-tent-camp.png?itok=wKHbrxYH)
Apparently, "Land of the free" only applies if you're rich, white, and preferably male. Dear Donald Trump: "your" country is built upon immigration. Your family were immigrants, because I highly doubt you're native american. I don't understand how you can ignore something so fundamental for your society as a place where everyone can find happiness and a happy life. You ignore the constitutional right to freedom, while you cite it for every other argument.
What you're doing here is completely inhumane, and insanely wrong. I have no idea how you, the American people, are able to ignore this issue. I see articles about protesting, but not nearly enought to make a difference. I am baffled at how most people are just sitting back and ignoring this. You have nothing to loose, and yet you do nothing.
Monday, June 18, 2018
Why Pride is Important
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We live in something called the Bible Belt, which means the people living around here are very religious, and there are a lot of free churches around here. The community has also a very high average age around here, especially where I live, most of the people being elderly, which makes it very hard to establish a positive environment for people who aren't heterosexual. This even applies to the generation before ours, my parents generation is not all that tolerant either, even though they were born in the 70s. Of course it depends on the person and all that, but overall they still have very oldfashioned, or even homophobic views.
I was very lucky when I grew up, I was accepted by all the people who mattered to me the most, but that doesn't mean that others are, and that is why I always attend pride. I think it's important to show support for minorities, no matter how good your own life and situation is.
What consenting adults do in their relationships is their business, and it's really none of yours. If two ment want to walk around holding hands, let them. If two girls want to show just a little bit of PDA, let them. They are hurting no one, and if you're against anyone who isn't heterosexual, please know that you have a great life for you to be able to focus this much on who other people love. Don't you have anything else to do than to spread hate and bigotry around like a sprinkler? There are so many better things to focus your energy on than trying to change something you aren't able to affect anyway.
Pride is imporant because the world needs more acceptance, less bigotry and hate. It's important to make sure people feel included and loved no matter what. Heterosexuals are not the only ones who should be equal, we all deserve equal rights. We are all human, we all deserve human rights.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Recovery
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCm8fupyacvmzSvsO06dMVKY9AjNjOPXkWsk2DMhgOzxx8zWa-4X79G_-qr4Rj-5ERPTy4JNTfYnc_qFP6s7TjlmmexHqyEHK-A-BNXGIul4bzYw1OZD16xvyTdsDEi67inbuRTeSWS_U4/s320/IMG_20180611_150355.jpg)
As most of you know, I'm suffering from depression and have done so for quite a few years. I'm getting better, but I'm still not well. I fight constantly to get back to a happy, healthy me, but it's not that easy. Many people think those with depression need to "cheer up", but like with any illness, it's not that easy. Just because you want something to go away, it doesn't mean it's automatically going to.
I have been depressed since I started 9th grade, and I don't really know why it's stuck with me for about six years. I don't even really know what triggered it in the first place, though I do have some theories: awful "friends" who put me down for everything I said and did, feeling isolated and not fitting in in the small community where I lived, and so on. But the truth is, I don't really know where it came from, and that makes it harder to combat.
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From: Mending Mable on Wordpress |
Because no matter how much you fight your depression, anxiety or whatever you have, you're going to have some bad days. It pains me to say it, but it's inevitable. Despite you being in recovery, you will cry, have anxiety attacks or not want to eat, depending on what your condition is. But the thing is, if you keep going, things actually do get better, even if it's not linear.
When I compare my overall self with the one I experienced several years ago, I feel great now compared to then, and the factors are many. I live in a community where I'm accepted. I have friends who actually like me and don't put me down over what I like, think or feel. I'm in a healthy, happy relationship. I'm attending my dream university, and I'm slowly but surely making my way towards the degrees that I want. Life is going great for me, and those thoughts put into my brain during 9th grade are slowly starting to disappear. Maybe I'm not stupid. Maybe I'm not ugly. Maybe I'm actually funny, smart and blessed with a creative talent, and I could conquer the world if I want to.
I'm still fighting, but I'm starting to see results for what I'm fighting for. I'm starting to be genuinly happy about things in my life, and appreciate all the things I didn't before. I'm not well yet, but I'm getting there.
The last few days I've fought really hard, trying to handle my pain in every way I can except break down, and I've actually managed pretty well. I still feel lost, but I know my direction will come back. I still feel sad, but I know my happiness will come back. It's just a matter of time now.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Deadpool 2 (Spoilerfree)
![Image result for deadpool 2](https://media.finnkino.fi/1012/Event_11936/portrait_medium/Deadpool2_1080.jpg)
After tragedy strikes Wade Williams, aka Deadpool, and he gets taken in by the X-Men, he runs into a young boy with troubles far bigger than he can handle. But as it is discovered, a time traveller is after the young man for the crimes he's going to commit, although Wade still believes he can be saved. The two, along with a chosen few superheroes, team up to save the time travellers family from a horrible fate.
This movie was amazing, everything I could ever had hoped for from a sequel to the first Deadpool movie. I've missed the characters, most of all Wade of course, and the directing was perfect (I was however a bit disappointed in the Stan Lee cameo, but what can you do). The acting was, as always when it come to Marvel, impeccable, and the humor just as spot on as in the first film.
If you're a Marvel fan, looking for a good laugh and some excitement, or you just like great movies in general, you should absolutely check this movie out, because you won't regret it.
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