Creative

Today is going to be an interesting day, mostly in the productive, boring manner, but I'm not going to write too much about that since I'm actually vlogging today. Yes, the vlogs are back, but I don't know just how much I'm going to be doing them since I am still coming out of the dark, whiny hole I spent the past few weeks in (see my last post for a few more details). While I have been feeling better overall, I still haven't been in a spot where I felt there was something I really wanted to share online, because nothing too interesting has happened.
When I have a bad day, I don't get overly emotional or anything like that, it's much more lika complete emotional shutdown. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, and I don't really feel anything. That's what the past days have been like, and I don't really know why, except the reason I have already mentioned on here.
However, I feel like I am back in a creative way now. I wrote about 2000 words last night on a project I'm doing just for me, and it felt really good. I'm hoping this was a sign that I might be back in other ways too, but only time will tell I guess.
I do, however, have friends coming over later today, and I feel really good about that. Chatting with my girlfriends are something I really appreciate, especially since I'm a really talkative p
erson (on days I feel good). I actually have a lot of socializing coming up, and I feel really excited. Both tomorrow and Friday are filled with social activities that will force me to get out of the apartment. Being around people I like always makes me feel better. And what's more, it gets my creativity flowing again, which is something I really need right now.

I'm Back

   I've been gone for quite a while, two whole weeks, and I don't really know how I'm supposed to explain why. The reason being, this is completely new to me, something I haven't really lived through before.
   I've been depressed before, I've felt down before, but for the first time in my life I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do. And this is not like "Oh, I don't know what to do today", because that's really never been a problem. This is "I don't know what to do with my existance on this planet."
   And for me, that's really weird. You all know my bucketlist. You'd think someone with that many goals, would know what they're doing with their life, and where they want to get, right? Well, you'd be wrong. The past weeks I've been feeling very lost, like nothing in my life really mattered, and like my goals and aspirations didn't really matter. That's a very scary place to be in, and I spent two weeks there. I've never felt like that before. Sadness and emptiness are pretty much commonplace for a person like me, but not having direction is new and scary, and for two weeks I've felt paralyzed by that.
   I'm better now, but I'm still not sure about a lot of things in my life, but the large things have always remained the same: I'm determined to be a writer, and I'm grateful for and happy about my relationship with the person I live with, and where we are at right now. The big dreams are the same, it's just that I don't know how to get to them.
   I feel better now, but the thoughts are still there. I'm no longer paralysed by the fears I have, but they are still left inside my brain, rattling around in there. But, I'm workin on it, day by day. I've decided to take on one issue every day, adress it in my brain and figure it out, more of a step by step process isntead of freezing up and thinking about everything at once.
   If you're feeling the same way right now, that your life doesn't really have direction, know that that changes. You're not going to feel lost forever. Some day, you're going to wake up and realise you know exactly what to do, what your goals are and how to reach them. It might not be today, or even tomorrow, or even two weeks from now. But it happened for me, and it's going to happen for you to. Have faith in yourself, and have patience. You've got this.

I'm Not A Good Person?

From Fooducate

   I'm often concerned about not being a good person. I think things I should never think, and I know a lot of other people do the same. About people you meet on the street, about people you see on a daily basis ( "What is she wearing?" "Why is her hair like that?" "Why would he wear that cologne?"). But there's something very important you need to understand about this, something that it took me a very long time to realize.
   It's not what you think first that matters, it's what you think second. If you walk around judging people, and you don't think twice about it: you are really a bad person. But if your second thought is something along the lines of "What? She gets to wear what she wants!" "She probably likes having her hair like that." "Maybe his girlfriend bought it for him because she likes the smell", good news: you're not a bad person.
   What we first think about people is often the things we've been conditioned to think. Media often pegs people against eachother, and we're made to think less of others based on shallow things, like their clothes, hair and other things that can be bought, because if we haven't seen commercials about it, and it's expensive as heck, it's clearly not worth it.
   Know that the initial thought you have (and wether you express your first thought or not) doesn't reflect the kind of person you are. It's the thing you think after defines you, if you regret being judgemental without real cause, you're a great person. If you walk around judging people and talking down to them, you have a serious problem and should probably reflect on that.
   What matters is how you treat people, and if you reflect on yourself for those judgemental things you think or say and regret it afterwards. What makes you a good person is being willing to work on yourself, constantly. Being a good person means you have to be able to change, work on the way you view people, media, news and the world. Work on the way you walk, talk and think, and it never stops.
   You're never finished as a person, no matter what you acheive and what you do with your life, you always have something to improve on. The way you speak to other people and the way you speak to yourself should be connected, be kind to everyone around you, including the person in the mirror. You have every right and every reason to improve the way you think, and critiquing the way you think about people is a great way to start.
   Think about the way you speak and think, think nothing about other people without knowing. Let them make their own choices, just like you make yours every day.

Home

   I'm finally home! After a lot of planning to make it possible, and a four hour long train trip, I'm at mom and dad's place. I'm going to be staying at my parents house over the weekend, spending some time with family. I honestly didn't have time to travel (I have tons of stuff to do at the moment) but better to travel now than during exams week. I'm in the middle of deadlines, catching up on the stuff I missed when I was sick, and a ton of other things that should get done, but it's still better to travel now than when I'm in the middle of my exams, powering through on too little sleep and too much caffeine.
   So far I haven't done much around here. I just got back from a small trip to the grocery store with my mom (let me tell you, the center has changed a lot since I moved out!), where I got some snacks for myself, since I still have to do some working/studying while I'm here. It's very hard to get the entire weekend off, but if you're also a student you probably know that.
   I've also played Monopoly with my mom and Erik, my younger brother. I've really missed playing games with my family, we're all quite competitive and the playing tends to become quite passionate and energetic, which is always nice.
   This morning I also enjoyed a short walk in the forest, fall is really here! I saw so many pretty mushrooms it was hard not to take pictures of all of them, but this particular one is my favourite. I really think I should get in more walks/hiking in the forest or otherwise outdoors and outside of the city, because it makes me feel really good.
   I'm still a bit sick, but it's mostly coughing and a sore throat left. I'm hoping to be well by Monday so that I can attend classes as usual the incoming week, my attendance has been spotty lately due to dying of fever and headaches. I'm however not contageous anymore, and I'm feeling good enough to actually stay active throughout the day, though I'm usually exhausted in the evenings.
Greetings from the countryside!

Date Night

   So, yesterday we had our monthly date night. Due to me being insanely busy, and us being on a budget after all, we have a date night once a month instead of the usual every week, an arrangement both of us are very happy with. This date night happens every 18th, and yesterday Theo decided to surprise me with a date at Trattoria Romana, an insanely nice Italian place just down the street from our place.
   While there, I had a amazig Frutti Di Mare pasta, which was both delicious and looked fabulous. I honestly think I'll try it more times, which is a strong compliment considering I'm usually pretty sceptical when it comes to new food, even if I love to try new things. I very rarely find new favorites, but this one was really great.
   We've been together for one year and four months now, which is closing in on the longest relationship I have ever had, and I have never been happier spending that much time with anyone. I think we're a really good fit, and that we work very well together. We are eachother's opposites, but in a very good way. I'm the dreamer, he keeps me grounded and logical. I have all the dreams and the plans, he has the logical way of making all of them work and figuring out all the details to make my head in the clouds dreaming real and acheivable. He makes me take one step at a time when I'm tempted to run without knowing what I might run into.
   I never thought I'd actually find someone who completes me in this way, and I'm slowly starting to realise what people mean with when they call someone "the yin to my yang", because I finally feel like I'm in balance, like something within me that's been missing has been restored. To all of those who spend every day loving someone else unconditionally, I now understand how you can love someone without judgement, scrutiny or pre-structured conditions.
   The person life gives you to spend your time on this globe with is not going to be the person you always imagined. They're going to be so much more than that.

Life Update

   I hope you enjoyed this video, and that you liked Estelle's little guest appearance! Remember to subscribe to my channel by clicking here!

A Weight/Health Update

   So as most of you know by now, if you follow this blog at all, one of the goals I set for myself this year is to start eating healthier, exercising more and to join a gym. All in all: a healthier lifestyle for me. And I can very proudly say that I've gotten some great progress on those goals as of late!
   I have actually managed to loose weight these past few weeks, 1kg to be exact. And I know that's not a lot, or particularly impressive, but since loosing weight is just part of my goal, it makes me really happy. Last week, I paid the fee for the campus gym, for the entire year, and I've gone there once so far (next gym session this Wednesday), and it went surprisingly well. I really like it, although it's pretty small and somewhat crowded.
   I'm also proud to announce that I have gone running in the past week, I started my day today with a yoga/stretching session to let my muscles rest a bit, and I've even planned some swimming into my schedule for the upcoming month, along with more time at the gym and more running.
   I am honestly so proud of myself for this. I've never been the type of person to enjoy exercise very much, except very particular types (horseback riding and walking), and now I find myself having broadened my horizons enough to like things I never though I would, all while treating my body better and feeling a lot better.
   I find myself having more energy, it being easier to get up in the morning, and even yesterday (when Theo was sadly sick with a fever and coughing), I enjoyed working out despite being on my feet taking care of both him, the kitten and all the other things I was supposed to be doing. I have always heard that exercising makes you more energized, but I honestly never thought it could make this much of a difference.
   And to finish this little update, if any of you are wondering about specifik goals regarding my fitness, here's what I have so far:
1. Lose another 8 kilos, which will take me down to the weight I was before I gained weight last year
2. Be able to run 3km without having to start walking as a break
3. Feel happier and more energized throughout the day (acheived)
4. Gain more muscles in my arms, abs and legs

What To Do With Your Life

   Now I'm known for sharing little bits and pieces of the knowledge I've collected during the past 21 years, and here's another piece of that knowledge.
   It took me many many years to figure this out, but it's completely fine to not have everything figured out, to not always know the final step to every action you're doing, just figuring it out from day to day it's perfectly fine. And to be completely honest, it's a really confusing world, and no one really knows what they're doing. There are tons of adults still figuring themselves out, even though we were told our adolescence should be that time in our lives. And being an adult, or a student, or a teenager who hasn't figured out yourself, your life or your future is actually really normal and common.
   People often put on a brave face and pretend to know what they're doing, but I'm here to tell you, that most probably they have absolutely no idea. We're all just out here, winging it. And while that is also scary, I think it's beautiful. We're a planet filled with morons who can't decide what we want to do in life, what we believe in or what we want for ourselves, and that's kind of awesome and hilarious at the same time.
   Just because someone close to you seems to have their life together, accomplishing their goals and doing great, doesn't mean that you are somehow worse because your life hasn't been pieced together yet. You just need to find the right pieces and start building. Just like everyone learns at their own pace, runs their own pace, we also find ourself in a pace that is completely unique, which is why you shouldn't compare yourself to others.
   If you're at a place in life right now, where nothing is making sense, you're confused and seeing other people who seem to know what they're doing; trust me when I say they're probably still confused about a lot of things no matter how perfect their lives seem, and some days, you are that person to someone else, even if you don't feel like it. Trust in yourself, and know that there will be a day where you wonder why you were ever worried.

New Schedule and Working Out Again

   I'm finally piecing my schedule together piece by piece over here, and it's soon all falling into place. I'll be having 3 8 a.m. mornings per week, which is something that I used to hate before going to Husö (where we got up early every single day of the course), but now that I'm used to it I'm actually more open to getting up early, and more of a morning person, how great is that? However, I am confident I'll still look like a trash can (credit to @adamtots on instagram) in the mornings, so if you have classes with me, don't have too high expectations!
   I also registered for the gym, and I'll be getting my gym tag (needed to unlock the door to the gym) tomorrow after my lectures, picking up my ticket for the street festival and going to the doctor's office (don't worry, it's just a checkup, nothing bad). I also went for a run today, for the first time in what feels like forever. It went surprisingly well, I had an average speed of 8,5 km/hour. It really feels great to feel good enough to exercise again, since my mind/stress/body hasn't really allowed me to in a very long time, which is why I'm surprised that I was able to go running at all, and the fact that it went so well was both motivating and a nice surprise to finish an otherwise active day (I walked/ran 10 km altogheter today!).
   Today also marks the third day in a row that I've worked out: a 30 minute home workout with situps and other simple exercises on Saturday, biking 11 kilometres Sunday and then running today. Today was easy though, just 1.5 kilometres.
   But being back into working out feels great, and don't worry, I'll make sure to take enough time to rest inbetween. I honestly can't wait to see the results of this!

My Best Tips For Those Attending/Starting School!

   New video is up! This time it's about the important things to think about when you're attending school. Now, this video is mostly for those attending university or college, but most tips also apply to high school students. Take care, and remember to subscribe by clicking here!

An Update on Estelle

   Our little girl is growing like crazy, she's getting so big (actually, she's still smaller than most almost 4 month old kittens are, but she is growing very quickly). And look at her adorable little face, it's the favorite little face of all my friends at the wine night I hosted yesterday (which was an absolute success, I'll tell you more about that later though).
   But the biggest change in her life the past few days has been the fact that she's gotten to be outside. We finally consider her big enough to go outside with her leash, and she loves the big outside world she now gets to be a part of! Instead of panicking and just laying down whenever we leave the apartment, she actually trots around, smelling leaves and studying her environment, and we're so proud of her!
   However, since she now knows what it's like to be outside, she pretty much only wants to play and be outside all the time. However, she does get to be outside several times a day, and seems pretty satisfied with that.
   She also has yet to grasp the concept of the leash, and often seems to forget that she has it, trying to sprint away before she notices that she can only move as fast as we are, but she's quickly getting better at using the leash as an actual leash. Estelle is actually very comfortable with it though, which was a pleasant surprise when we went outside the first time, and since we both enjoy taking her outside for her tiny walks, she has plenty of outside time to look forward to.
   As for now, Estelle is playing in the apartment with a tiny, pink football Theo got her as a gift when they moved back here in autumn (she loves it, it's a personal favorite toy of hers), rolling around her on the floor with it. Having a pet again is such a joy, I can't believe I used to live without a pet before, and now I can't imagine doing it again. Estelle is such a huge part of our lives now, I don't think we could imagine our lives without her.

A Change in Design (And Life in General)

   So, as you know by reading the headline (and also clicking onto this page in general, if you've been here before) I've decided to do some re-branding. I've changed the blog name to something that suits me better now, since the old name was close to ten years old, decided to put my actual name as the author, and made some changes in color and background. This will also be true for my other social medias, because I've decided to step it up a notch.
   I'm tired of always giving 50%, when I both should and could give 100. I feel so foolish, always walking around in the same circles, getting more and more rooted in boring habits. So guess what, we're taking every opportunity life throws at us and we are not going to let go. We're going all in, and we're not going to give in, not this time.
   I want change, and to be really honest with you, I need change. I need something in my life to be different, and frankly almost anything would do by now, because I'm bored as hell over here. I feel like I could do better in so many ways, regarding so many things, but I don't, and that has to change now for me to be able to keep my sanity.
   But as for the blog, the changes will be as you see them now, small changes in design and the changes in the names, and of course, a more frequent posting from my side. I still have a few small things to change, like profile pictures and so on, but as for now, this is it.
   I honestly feel really great about this change, like I'm turning a page in a very important, intricate book, knowing the next chapter will be better than the one I just finished reading.

Young People Don't Know Anything

   I found this tweet recently, and I can't help but think about how perfectly this captures something I've been thinking about and been bothered by for years. The older generations tend to claim that the younger ones never care about something important, but once they actually do, their opinions and thoughts get dismissed siply by calling them "young and dumb" because they don't agree with the older generation.
   As young people, we are expected to know what we want to do with our lives by 15 (and latest by 15), but if we realize we're gay, we suddenly don't know what we're talking about, because we are too young to know. When we find our view on politics, we're dismissed because we're too young to know. When we start realizing the patriarchy, racism, the views on other religions other than our own are huge problems, we are dismissed because we're too young to know what we're talking about.
   To expect a child, because that's what teenagers beneath 18 are, still children, to choose something, and claim you support them, but turn around the second that choice doesn't support your views, then you shouldn't be a parent, especially if it's something that isn't a choice. Your gay son doesn't choose to be gay, your atheist daughter doesn't choose to not be catholic. It's something they feel in their heart, so it's not really their choice. If they choose to support equality, religious freedom, other sexualities, it's not to defy you, and to be honest, if you're a parent, an idol, grandparent or whatever: you honestly shouldn't care about what they choose to support. Just because something doesn't match your world views, it doesn't mean it's wrong.
   If you expect your child to choose a career, a school, a place to live and an apartment, but when they choose their own beliefs, you shun them, I honestly think you're a shitty parent. You can't tell your child to be whatever they want to be, and then when they do, turn around and make them feel bad about. You are your childs first view of the adult world. Make a good impression.

Husö

I'm finally back home, and figured this would be the perfect time to upload this. Remember to subscribe to my channel, click here to do so!

I'm Home

Theo surprised with wine, flowers etc. when I got home

   After spending two weeks on an island, I'm finally home. I can sleep in my own bed, eat when I want to, and go outside when I want to. It feels amazing to be back, and tonight I had the best sleep I've had in months. Estelle is driving us crazy, as usual. If I had only half of her energy, I'd write a lot more blogposts, I'll tell you that much.
   Though I told myself that when I got back, I'd be able to take it easy and bum around for about a week before school starts, I realize that this is not the case. Already today there's been grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills, registering for school and planning my classes for the first two months. And for the rest of the day there's a lot more to do: unpack, reading emails (all three different accounts), editing the Husö vlog, and doing more laundry before I'm satisfied.
   But I am, despite the work already forming, really happy to be back. I feel so motivated to get started with my studies again, and really give it my all this year, and not to mention all the things I'm doing/planning that aren't school related, such as projects for the blog, being part of different projects for the students at ÅA, and a bunch of other things. I can't wait to get this show on the road again!

I got back to my cactus doing this... Used to be the size of the right one

   Spending two weeks on Åland was a great experience, something I'll never forget, and I've found a lot of new friends, shaped new bonds and formed a lot of nice memories, not to mention learned a lot, during my time there, but it was really intense and a part of me is really happy that it's over. It was a once in a lifetime experience, but I'm honestly kind of happy I don't have to go through it again. Intense is good, but in small doses.
   For now, I'm going to enjoy life on my couch and edit together a video showing all the things we did/saw/studied during those two weeks, enjoy some candy and listen to some nice music.
It's great to be back!

I'm Living On an Island for 2 Weeks!

Sunset from Monday's walk

   Okay, so here's whats going on. A mandatory part of my degree is spending two weeks worth of time at a research facility in the Åland Islands. When I got here, I was really insecure about the whole thing, because I would be spending time with people I didn't know very well, have very little alone/free time, which is very important to me, and be away from Theo and Estelle for all of that time before seeing them again. Though, it wasn't all bad. I was also excited, because I viewed it like a great way to kick off the school year, a great place to spend all that time and knew the surroundings would be beautiful (that part was right, I've taken an insane amount of nature pictures!).
   We got here Monday, after spending the majority of the day on the boat which would take us to Mariehamn. The boat trip wasn't very interesting in it self, but I did get to see the class I'm spending these two weeks with, and they were all really nice to me. We had coffee, ate lunch on the boat and bought some candy to help us survive the intense class. When arriving at Husö, the place we're staying at, we were greeted by scientists in our field and took a short tour of all the building. We learned that this is a place for research as well as somewhere people come to write their doctoral thesis, and the surroundings and buildings were gorgeous. I paired up with the only person I knew well, since living space is always shared for those taking a class, and she turned out to be a delight to live with, so that worked out for the best. We had a short lecture and after taking a walk, I tumbled into bed, completely exhausted, something I soon would learn seemed to be the standard.
   Tuesday was spent travelling to different lakes and collecting samples of insects and plant life before heading back to the lab where they all were identified, something that would take a lot of time and prove to be both difficult and very interesting. I very much enjoyed it, and we even had our lunch out in the field, something I think I'm going to remember for a long time, since both the view and the company was so nice.

The Yellow House, where we eat breakfast

   Wednesday was pretty much the same as Tuesday, but with another lake in place of the three from before. We also created a powerpoint for our findings and figured out what species they were, took water samples and then actually got some free time in the evening, since we had been working faster than expected. Free time is pretty rare here, so it was appreciated among all of us, and we spent it playing volleyball, watching the Red Dragon, and just in general chatting up some storms.

Picture from the lake we visited yesterday

   I really like being here. I miss Theo and Estelle a lot, but mostly I'm too busy to think about anything but work, which is actually a huge relief. I also quite like the group and everything else coming with the course, and somehow it's weird to think that this is already the fourth day. I only wish I had a little bit more alone time.
   Spare time is also a bit sparse due to us having a really packed schedule. During the day, there's almost always a visit to a lake/other system planned, and then during afternoons/evenings we study species and have lectures, while planning tomorrows travels. During the day, we're lucky if we manage to have one our of free time, which is then (at least for me) spent studying for the exam we have at the end of this course. All in all, during the entire day, about four hours of time are put into our exercise, studies for the exam, showers/naps and such, and of course socializing with the others. No wonder you plummet into your bed at the end of the day, falling asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow!
   However, being here is great. I'm learning so so much, and I'm getting to know really kind, interesting people from all over the country, which is always a fascinating experience. I'll update you more later, for now I have to head out for lunch!

Haparanda

   Since yesterday was the last day everyone was free before my dad goes back to work and me and my siblings go back to school, we decided to take a short family trip to Haparanda. Considering it's in another country, it's surprisingly close to our place, and driving only took 4-5 hours (it's hard for me to tell since I fell heavily asleep during the drive back). I was really happy to be able to come with, since my working hours are so weird, and my days off don't match the norm, it was a very pleasant surprise for me to be able to come along. My family isn't that much into travel either, so once they do go somewhere, they prefer it if we all go at once.
   Once in Sweden, we really didn't do much. Since we go to Haparanda quite a lot, we have a bit of usual stuff we often do. We go to IKEA, and then we go for hamburgers at Max (which we've done about 2-3 times). We also visited a fishing store, since my dad and brother wanted some gear and I was searching for something for my upcoming class, which I didn't find ( I found it today however, when shopping with mom and dad in Kokkola). Most of the time was actually spent in IKEA, which I didn't mind. I actually love walking around, looking at the little displays of rooms, because I love to imagine what it would be like to live in apartments looking like that, or what it would be like to have a livingroom/kitchen/bedroom that looks the way theirs do. However, I didn't do any shopping there, since I prefer to buy furniture and things closer to home, and we happen to have an IKEA about 7km away from our apartment.
   We also visited a candy store, which was huge. That's where I got the candy in the lower pictures (nerds, and Renskit, which literally translates to "raindeer droppings", which is despite the name quite a delicious candy).
   I had a lot of fun there, and was especially surprised when I woke up this morning and realized I had slept very well, about six hours according to my watch, something that made making it to work today a lot easier. Needless to say, these past four days have been crazy intense, and I look forward to life calming down a few days before I have to start thinking about packing up my stuff and leaving (yes, I'm going back to Åbo next week's Sunday, sleep there for one night, and then going off onto the ocean to experience marine biology in the field, how exciting!).
   For now though, I will just relax a while at Theos place, spend the night before going back home tomorrow, where I'll take care of some things that need doing, and then head to Kokkola, where I am (drumroll please) going to get my second tattoo! But that's for tomorrow's me to handle, right now I'm going to wait for Theo to get done with what he's doing and then we're going to watch some Supernatural and relax. He's also had a rough past few days and we both feel like we deserve to relax a bit, so...
   Before I log off for today though, I just want to say that I am insanely grateful for where I'm at in life right now. In the span of 3 days I've completed two things on my bucketlist, been to the edge of the Russian border and been to another country. I've been feeling happy (although a tad sleep deprived), grateful and motivated for almost a week, and I keep having new ideas on what to write, what videos to make, what to add to my bucketlist, etc. In short, I'm happy, and I can't wait to see what the universe has in stock for me for the upcoming months.
   Today marks the beginning of a new month. Make the most of August. Acheive/work for your goals, travel, spend more time around people you love, and focus on making choices that are good for you! This month is for you to grab and make your own, lets do that!

Kummakivi!

   Guys and girls: I finally did it! I went to kummakivi, and I saw the gigantic, unique rock. We drove to the camping spot saturday, then went to Kummakivi and drove home Sunday. I really loved it, it was amazing, the journey and the beautiful landscape we drove through, it looked so different from here at home.

   So now I can cross off another thing on my bucket list, that's amazing! This is the first year I've had one and I'm already crossing so many things off from it, I feel great. I'm finally getting to a point in life where I'm getting to accomplish something and do things I've always wanted to do with my life and in my life. And the most perfect part: I have an amazing significant other who comes along on my adventures with me, how great is that?
   Next step is completing more of the things on the bucket list, but more importantly, I'm of course going to cherish the memories we made on this trip and all the things we saw.
   Also, I hope you enjoy the new video! I know I've been gone for a while, but don't worry there's an explanation coming up soon and you'll get to know and understand everything. Remember to check out my other videos by going to the youtube page here on the blog, and subscribe to my channel so you don't miss out on all the new uploads!

Supporting the Evolving

   As I focus on becoming a better, happier and more contempt person, I find that more and more things make me smile, and that I can much more easily talk to new people. I no longer have a difficult time making phone calls, I can talk to strangers at social events (events I actually want to go to nowadays. But it's more than that too.
   I can actually feel myself growing as a person, as obviously as if I actually grew in size. I learn more and more about different topics and I can't help but wonder what opened my mind. I'm getting better at learning from my mistakes, seeing other people's perspective and not making big deals out of little things. I know more about the world, the people in it and myself than I've never known before, and that's an amazing feeling. I know one of my co-workers has a horse, one has a farm and another one that's going to become a teacher, things I didn't know when I furst started working with them. I know how to speak the beginning scentences of conversational spanish, and so many more things that I didn't know at the beginning of summer. I now know I'm perfectly capable of meditation, and that me and Theo will be perfectly capable of raising our little kitten.
    I know I can let go of things, that I can reach my goals if I focus on them and that I'm capable of more than I could've ever imagined. And the thing is, nothing of that could've been possible without you.
   Because if you're reading this, you're supporting me in one way or another. Maybe you're family, maybe you're one of my friends. Maybe you see me during lectures and stumbled across my blog. Maybe you just read this blog because why not, or to see what todays opinions on political issues are. Regardless of your relationship with me and this little safe haven I've created here, you support me. In all my crazy, weird ideas, all the stuff that I write, in all the oddities I put up for you to read here, you support me.
   Without support, you can't really grow as a person. Without support, you'll forever be stuck with who you've been before, who you're always going to be, and let me tell you something: that's no way to live your life. Evolve, change, dare to think differently from what you're used to. Without support, it's very hard to expand your mind, emotionally, socially and when it comes to knowledge. Without support, it's very hard to evolve at all.
   So thank you, for whatever kind of support you provide, and know that it all means a lot to me. Remember to evolve, to move forward, because you can do it too. Whatever you want to improve; physical health, reading more books, spending more time outside, sleeping more, acheiving more in your career, making more/new friends... Go for it. Because if you don't play the game, you can't win.

My Day Off

   Since today was my first day off in five days, despite the fact that I'm only working parttime, I was planning on making this a productive day, answering emails, stacking wood, doing laundry... aka do all the things I haven't had the time for the past week. But you know me, instead of doing all those things, I instead went on a spontaneous swimming/ volleyball trip to Nykarleby, a small city some kilometres south of here. But that's not how my day started, however.
   I have decided to do more things that scare me, and today I tackled one of them for the first time in a very long time: initiating social interaction with a person I don't know very well, which due to mild anxiety scares me a lot. Me and one of my co-workers have been talking about going out for coffee and get to know eachother better, and a few days ago I asked if she was free this morning, and then we decided to go to Majs Glasscafé in Jakobstad, which was a great choice (the cheesecake was splendid). And we actually hit it off. We talked for almost three hours, non stop about everything from family, to weird names, to work to school. Isn't it wonderful when you find someone you can speak freely with?
   The rest of the day has been spent walking around in Jakobstad, getting myself a case for my guitar for easier transportation when I go to/from Åbo, recycling bottles and food shopping, having a pleasant chat with my parents and trying to plan the tiny trip me and Theo taking this weekend (I'm finally going to be able to cross out another thing on my bucket list, how great is that?)
   Needless to say, I'm now exhausted. I've walked about 10 kilometres today, met more people than I usually do, done things that were completely out of my comfort zone (including jumping from a diving tower) and now I'm finally going to relax a bit and take some time to recharge my social batteries, have a protein yoghurt and drink the milkshake my parents brought me. What a great way to end such an intense day!

Think For Yourself

   I'm a big advocate of thinking for yourself. It's important to think for yourself, not follow the stream and what the other people around you tell you. You have to make your own adventure, you have to figure the world out for yourself, not trust other people's thoughts and perspectives. Be yourself, your whole self and never apologize for what you are, what you think and what you believe.
   I have always said not to judge the people around you from what you hear about them, because it just might happen to be false rumors, meet them and make your own view of who they are and what they do. You shouldn't trust someone else's experience, since people after all do grow and change over time, just like everything else in the universe.
   Make up your own mind, follow your own path and if that makes you different from the other people around you: who cares? The world was never changed by people who all thought the same way, it changed for the better by people who dared to think in different ways, different patterns than all others. Don't be afraid, be yourself and make up your own mind despite whatever happens in your life.

Homesick

   I've been feeling very stressed lately, like there's pressure being put on me regarding everything. School, work, personal life, I even feel pressured to do the things I actually like, like writing or reading. I don't understand where this is coming from, it's not like someone's pressuring me to write my books. I know no one does it, and yet I feel like someone will be disappointed in me if I don't do everything.
   It's also causing me to sleep a lot worse, like I sleep a full 8 hours, but I don't get any good rest, just bad sleep.
   I'm also really looking forward to starting school again, even thought it'll be stressful I think it will be more interesting. I'm so motivated to start studying/working on stuff again, as soon as I get out of this creative rut. I already know what classes I'm going to take, and what I want to do when I get back to Åbo. I'm especially looking forward to the class that's going to kick all of this off: a 1.5 week long field adventure on Husö, a little island, where I'll get to learn all about the ocean and it's inhabitants. I'm really looking forward to it.
   Another thing is, I'm experiencing something that I've never done before: I'm homesick. I miss the apartment, I miss all my stuff, sitting on the balcony studying, eating breakfast in the kitchen, baking, cooking diner for the both of us. I'm also looking forward to introducing Estelle. I want to go to the library again, take pictures by the river, going to class and evolve my mind, learning about new things and learning how the universe works. I can't wait to get back. I miss sleeping in my own bed, I miss my giant teddybear, all my clothes, seeing Theo every day... There are so many things I want to do next year, that I'm planning to do... I'm so excited to get there.
   I also see my parent's house as home, but it's not really the same. Although, I'm homesick sometimes in Åbo too.

Everyone Wants Something

   Lately, I've been feeling like everyone wants something from me. They want favors, advice, help, for me to take care of something for them, get them something, rarely anyone wants to talk to me just to talk, there's always another motive. Most friendships build on this: the whole "I help you, and in turn you'll help me" circle, and as long as that actually works, it's all fine, because that's the way it's supposed to be in friendships.
   But when your so called "friends" stop being around for you, always want your advice or something without giving you something back, like you are their personal amateur psychologist, there is a thing very wrong in your relationship, and I think it's very important to be able to see the difference between using someone and just asking them for some friendly advice. For example, if we meet up several times, and all that happens is that you lay your personal crap on me, there's no time for you in my life, because you're using me. If we meet up, and we both share stories, problems and questions, perfectly fine. Keep in mind that people are not here to please you, because most of us have more than enough crap to deal with without you barging in and claming our time for yourself.
   Everyone needs to lean sometimes. We need to tell our friends secrets or issues, but if all you do when you meet your friends is you complaining about your personal issues, something is clearly wrong. Lean on your friends, it's perfectly fine, but make sure they know it's okay for them to lean on you too. And if you think leaning on your friends is perfectly fine, but them leaning on you is crossing a line, you really need to re-consider what you're doing in that relationship.
   Same goes for you if you're concerned with your friends using you, because despite them doing something wrong in your relationship, you still enable it to happen. There's still something you do that lets them know that it's okay to step all over you and your needs and emotions. Examine yourself, and figure out why you're always there for them, what you're trying to acheive by doing so, and maybe you'll realize that it's time to drop that so called friendship, or you figure out a healthier way for the both of you to coexist.
   People are not here in this world to cater to you, and you are not here to please them either.

Kindness

   I have always thought that when I have the opportunity, I'll change the world for the better. I want to become a marine biologist to improve the lives of the animals in the ocean, if I ever get rich, I'm donating half of what I own to charity, I want to donate blood, organs and so on and so on.
   But those things are pretty far away, even the blood donation (my bloods to thin, so that sucks), but my om always taught me to help, you can't start with the big things, you have to start with smaller things. Like instead of fixing the entire world, start by fixing the smaller things around you. Many small, good deeds lead to a better big reality, and that's something that I've carried with me ever since I was kid.
   Everyone wants to change the world, it's something that's imbedded in all of us: a will to make something better, by every way we can. And if you want to change the world, you have to start small. Do something nice for your neighbor, do the dishes so that your mom can get a break, take some time and spend it with your older relatives. To make a more kind, better world, there are a lot of things we can do, but the thing is, you have to be kind to do that. So that's the place to start. To make a kind, great world, show those qualities yourself.
   Be more kind, more compassionate. Be better, and the world will respond.

Why I've Been Gone: Self Reflection

   So I've been gone for a while, a while which has made me come to some rough realizations about myself and the way I treat myself.
   I realized that I am not as well as I thought I was, something was rough to see. I am getting better, but I'm not great, not yet. I feel better, but not well. I still have a lot of things to work on, including how I handle feelings and what I let get to me. I don't understand why certain things get to me, why some people get to me more than others, and I've finally decided to not let those things and people bother me anymore. Only I have power over what hurts me.
   I've also realized that I don't handle criticism very well, and that I need to express my emotions more. I need to talk about what I think, feel and my opinions, and not just on the internet. Out there, in the real world, face to face with actual humans. But I'm scared of that, since I have always gotten ridiculed for them, and I don't want to share my opinions and thoughts directly to people. I'm also more comfortable with expressing my thoughts in writing.
   I've also been told something interesting about people close to me, and even though there are still things that bother me, like always having to apologize first and people being petty, I realize now that I can't ask this person to evolve in that way, simply because I think it would make them better, they have to evolve on their own, and there's nothing I can do about that.
   I've also been thinking that I should spend more times doing a lot of things. I don't blog anymore, I don't photograph anymore, and I don't write as much. I miss doing all of those things, and I should really start doing them again. I'm not going to change that overnight, but there are some things I need to change.
   So you know, here's a little list of the things I want/need to change for myself to become happier again

• Surround myself with happy people: let's get away from all the annoying, negative people on the earth, because how am I supposed to feel good around people who don't set out to be positive and happy?
• Start working out more: this one speaks for itself. I am loosing weight and getting in better shape, but I'm 100% sure that I can improve on it
• Read more: also, kinda explains itself. I always talk about improving myself, but I know I could put more effort into it. If Roosevelt could read one book a day during his precidency, I can put more effort into reading too.
• Sleep more, and drink more water: I do both of these way too little as it is, and if I'm ever going to get my life together, this is a good starting point. At least eight hours of sleep every night and two litres of water every day from now on.
• Express myself creatively again: drawing, writing, painting... All that. Give me more of that.
• Stop caring what people think about me: Most people don't even care, and I should apply that more to myself.
• And last but not least; Do both what I have to, and what I want. I haven't been able to fit both of these in my life since forever, and I want to find a balance.
  

Krombidan

   In celebration of Krombidan (a day where we celebrate the existance of our municipality), I decided to go and take Theo to see the celebrations. He hasn't been before, so me taking him for the first time seemed fitting. I'm also feeling surprisingly good today, despite my high fever yesterday evening (my throat and nose are still acting up, but my temperature is actually decent now, so I'll remain optimistic for the time being.
   Since we're quite the small community, our celebrations weren't what you'd call grand, but they were interesting and fun. An exhibit of old photos, coffee, stands across the streets, lots of activities for children, garage sales and so on and so on.
   For me personally, I mostly enjoyed the old cars that were on display, and the icecream we decided to eat on the grass by the river. I liked spending some time outside of my bedroom, not sitting on my bed covered in blankets, shivering from fever, with a headache exploding my brain. I somehow think it was exactly what I needed to feel better, and I even got to take some beautiful pictures while we were there.
   I feel better today, a lot better. But now I'm going to relax by introducing Theo to Doctor Strange, another masterpiece which he has somehow managed to escape watching. I need to relax a bit, because before I sat down, my legs felt like Jell-O.

On The Subject of "Best Friends"

Source: Pintrest

   Let me begin this blogpost by saying that I love my friends, that I am insanely blessed to have so many different crews (3 in total), who love me just like I am, never judge me for anything, and always support my passions. Know that I am increadibly grateful for all of these people, I know that I am incredibly blessed to have more friends than most people have, because they tend to keep small, closed circles. I can tell my friends everything and anything, and they always listen, they're always there for me.
   That being said, I have never had a best friend. As a child, I didn't really understand the concept. Why would you need to choose a friends to be more tight with than anyone else? Were they special or something? How did people pick them? Sometimes, girls would tell me we were best friends and I would kinda just go alone with it, because doing otherwise would obviously be very mean of me. I just didn't get the concept of why one of your friends needed to be the best one.
   But now that I'm older, I'm kind of envious of the bond other women have with their best friends. They seem to have a special connection, something that I don't understand. Because I don't have any friends left from when I was a kid (off the few ones I had, since I was bullied throughout my childhood) because I evolved in a completely different way than they did (attending university, moving away from my parents and all that), I sometimes envy the people who have known their bestfriends for 10+ years when they're my age. I would not like to know any of those people from 10+ years back today, but I would like the same type of connection. It's something I've never had, and now I sometimes feel like I'm on the outside.
   Because women do everything with their best friends. They talk about crushes, they drink together, eat together, have sleepovers, and for some goddamn reason, they go to the bathroom together?! I simply don't get it. Why would you ever share a bathroom with someone?
   Also, best friends seem to talk on the phone for hours, constantly be available for eachother, and I don't understand how they do that? I live with my boyfriend, and we're still not available for eachother 24/7. How?! What kind of magic do these women possess that I'm suddenly missing out on, and what's even more perplexing: how do you find someone who puts up with you constantly for 10+ years?
   This is a social construct that I don't understand, and something that I might not even understand in my lifetime. Girl-Girl best friendship is an amazing, magical thing, and it amazes me because I have no freaking clue what it means and how they obtain something like this.
    If you have a best friend, please don't be offended by this post, I love all of you and this is not meant to be hurtful. I just wanted to explore this topic of something that I don't understand and I'm curious about. I love all of you just the same, no matter if you have a best friend or not.
   Now I'm going to go to sleep, since I'm actually home sick with a fever right now, and I need some relaxing and sleeping so I can get well as soon as possible, because I have so many things that are either going on, or coming up, and I want/need to be well for all of those things to properly happen.

Authentic

From Ad Age

   There are a lot of scary things in the world, that's no secret. Hurricanes, violence, volcano erruptions, war, corrupt politicians, but one of the most common fears people seem to have, is to be honest with the world about themselves. Because "faking it" is easy, it comes with no price if it fails, it's very easy to be liked, socially accepted or popular, depending on what you want to acheive of course.
   Being honest about yourself is a lot more scary. It opens you up for mockery, disbelief, doubt, getting strange looks, and sometimes even hatred. Because you're not going to care if someone dislikes you for the things you fake, you care when they hate you for the things you love or support.
   I remember what it felt like to start being open about my personality, my illnesses and my hopes, dreams and beliefs on the internet. I was completely horrified, I was so scared, because it felt like I was going to get made fun of for everything I shared, but I couldn't have been more wrong. People supported me, my choices and my beliefs, told me I was brave, intelligent and supported me in every way they could. Sharing my real self was the most scary and most wonderful thing I've ever done.
   Sharing true and authentic things is always an insanely scary thing, but it pays off, trust me. I'm happier than ever, because being honest about myself opened up a platform where I can always be honest, and people accept and relate to everything I share.
   I know it's something scary to a lot of people, which means it's probably scary for you, reading this, too. But going through faking it your entire life isn't worth it either, trust me, because I know. I know just what it's like to be scared of being honest, to be scared of being judged or hated based off what you believe, or even worse: who you are.
   So this is me. I'm a 21 year old Finnish activist, I love the smell of the ocean and the way grass smells in summer after it rains. I believe that equal rights for everyone should be obvious, that the death penalty is barbaric and that women and men should be socioeconomically equal. I value nature, a good book, and crime shows. I'm most often happy, inspired and hardworking, I struggle with depression and sometimes, when I'm already feeling bad, social anxiety. I laugh loudly, talk a lot and I either love or hate things, there's no in between. I'm messy and have a hard time talking about my feelings.
   Trust me, it is a thousand times more easy to be honest, and it will open up lots of different opportunities for you, that you will not get otherwise. Honesty is really the best policy, and nothing can change that.

Day 14

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Day 13

  I've been gone for a while, but here's some new vlogs coming up for ya! Remember to subscribe to my channel, click here to do so!

Separating Families

   The United States becomes more and more appaling by the minute. Now they are separating children from their parents, because those parents decided to immigrate. This is very real, and the fact that people are doing close to nothing about it is even more horrifying. The States even recently passed a law that legally allows them to keep children separate from their parents, even those who are no older than toddlers.

   This is absolutely insane, and this is happening in a modern society. These children live in tents, pictured here. They are guarded by trained, professional guards, and some witnesses even claimed that the diapers of younger children were changed by older ones. How inhumane do you have to be to accept this kind of treatment in your own country?
   Apparently, "Land of the free" only applies if you're rich, white, and preferably male. Dear Donald Trump: "your" country is built upon immigration. Your family were immigrants, because I highly doubt you're native american. I don't understand how you can ignore something so fundamental for your society as a place where everyone can find happiness and a happy life. You ignore the constitutional right to freedom, while you cite it for every other argument.
   What you're doing here is completely inhumane, and insanely wrong. I have no idea how you, the American people, are able to ignore this issue. I see articles about protesting, but not nearly enought to make a difference. I am baffled at how most people are just sitting back and ignoring this. You have nothing to loose, and yet you do nothing.

Why Pride is Important

   So I went to Kokkola Pride this Saturday, and was actually interviewed on my views regarding the LGBTQ community and our rights, which is something that makes me really happy. People need to know we exist, that we won't settle for anything but equal treatment.  So why was Kokkola Pride so important?
   We live in something called the Bible Belt, which means the people living around here are very religious, and there are a lot of free churches around here. The community has also a very high average age around here, especially where I live, most of the people being elderly, which makes it very hard to establish a positive environment for people who aren't heterosexual. This even applies to the generation before ours, my parents generation is not all that tolerant either, even though they were born in the 70s. Of course it depends on the person and all that, but overall they still have very oldfashioned, or even homophobic views.
   I was very lucky when I grew up, I was accepted by all the people who mattered to me the most, but that doesn't mean that others are, and that is why I always attend pride. I think it's important to show support for minorities, no matter how good your own life and situation is.
   What consenting adults do in their relationships is their business, and it's really none of yours. If two ment want to walk around holding hands, let them.  If two girls want to show just a little bit of PDA, let them. They are hurting no one, and if you're against anyone who isn't heterosexual, please know that you have a great life for you to be able to focus this much on who other people love. Don't you have anything else to do than to spread hate and bigotry around like a sprinkler? There are so many better things to focus your energy on than trying to change something you aren't able to affect anyway.
   Pride is imporant because the world needs more acceptance, less bigotry and hate. It's important to make sure people feel included and loved no matter what. Heterosexuals are not the only ones who should be equal, we all deserve equal rights. We are all human, we all deserve human rights.

Recovery

   I have been gone forever. Not a single blogpost in very many days, no uploads, nothing. I kind of want to try to explain why to you.
   As most of you know, I'm suffering from depression and have done so for quite a few years. I'm getting better, but I'm still not well. I fight constantly to get back to a happy, healthy me, but it's not that easy. Many people think those with depression need to "cheer up", but like with any illness, it's not that easy. Just because you want something to go away, it doesn't mean it's automatically going to.
    I have been depressed since I started 9th grade, and I don't really know why it's stuck with me for about six years. I don't even really know what triggered it in the first place, though I do have some theories: awful "friends" who put me down for everything I said and did, feeling isolated and not fitting in in the small community where I lived, and so on. But the truth is, I don't really know where it came from, and that makes it harder to combat.

From: Mending Mable on Wordpress

   Now to the reason I've been gone. Right now, I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to get healthy, and I've come a long way from my lowest point. On good days, I now feel genuine happiness. On good days, I don't always hate the way I look. On good days, I don't have to fight to get out of bed, I don't have nightmares, I don't randomly burst into tears or have painful and horrifying anxiety attacks. But those are the good days, and recovery is not linear. It doesn't get better and better all the time, sometimes you fall back into old memories, feelings, and you start to feel really bad again. I've been stuck there for a few days now, alternating between feeling really crappy, and just being a bit sad some days.
   Because no matter how much you fight your depression, anxiety or whatever you have, you're going to have some bad days. It pains me to say it, but it's inevitable. Despite you being in recovery, you will cry, have anxiety attacks or not want to eat, depending on what your condition is. But the thing is, if you keep going, things actually do get better, even if it's not linear.
   When I compare my overall self with the one I experienced several years ago, I feel great now compared to then, and the factors are many. I live in a community where I'm accepted. I have friends who actually like me and don't put me down over what I like, think or feel. I'm in a healthy, happy relationship. I'm attending my dream university, and I'm slowly but surely making my way towards the degrees that I want. Life is going great for me, and those thoughts put into my brain during 9th grade are slowly starting to disappear. Maybe I'm not stupid. Maybe I'm not ugly. Maybe I'm actually funny, smart and blessed with a creative talent, and I could conquer the world if I want to.
   I'm still fighting, but I'm starting to see results for what I'm fighting for. I'm starting to be genuinly happy about things in my life, and appreciate all the things I didn't before. I'm not well yet, but I'm getting there.
   The last few days I've fought really hard, trying to handle my pain in every way I can except break down, and I've actually managed pretty well. I still feel lost, but I know my direction will come back. I still feel sad, but I know my happiness will come back. It's just a matter of time now.

Deadpool 2 (Spoilerfree)

   I'm going to keep this review spoiler free, even though it's been out for a couple of weeks, because some of you might have managed to ninja past all those spoilers floating around, and I don't want to ruin that for you.
   After tragedy strikes Wade Williams, aka Deadpool, and he gets taken in by the X-Men, he runs into a young boy with troubles far bigger than he can handle. But as it is discovered, a time traveller is after the young man for the crimes he's going to commit, although Wade still believes he can be saved. The two, along with a chosen few superheroes, team up to save the time travellers family from a horrible fate.
   This movie was amazing, everything I could ever had hoped for from a sequel to the first Deadpool movie. I've missed the characters, most of all Wade of course, and the directing was perfect (I was however a bit disappointed in the Stan Lee cameo, but what can you do). The acting was, as always when it come to Marvel, impeccable, and the humor just as spot on as in the first film.
If you're a Marvel fan, looking for a good laugh and some excitement, or you just like great movies in general, you should absolutely check this movie out, because you won't regret it.