Evening Thoughts

   I've been thinkig a lot lately, about many things. I've felt a bit powerless, because there are so many things that needs to change, that I can't really do anything about. These issues are too big for just one person to handle.
   I have never experience racism, the closest things is being called derogatory terms because I am either a woman, or because I'm a swedish speaking person living in Finland, neither can really be compared, and so I will never understand the struggles of being on the recieving end of racist bigotry. But some things I read or see on the Internet makes my stomach turn. People of color can't walk into stores in America without having the cashier keeping an eye on them, in case they steal something. POC can fear for their lives after watching someone sharing their skin tone being shot dead on TV, after doing absolutely nothing wrong. POC walking in the streets are being accused of loitering, or even staking out houses, just because they're there at the time. Colleges in America accept POC because of their etnicity, to fill a quota. POC are less likely to be hired due to racism. And I can't do anything about it. I'm just one person, living on the other side of the globe, I'm a small, white girl thousands of miles away who's watching the shit show that is the US and wishes with all her heart she could do something about it.
   There are wars fought on other countries land, started by nations that had nothing to do with the conflict, or involving countries having nothing to do with said conflict that now has entered the war without any kind of reasoning. The poor individuals living in said countries are now starving, getting caught and killed in the crossfire, dying during trying to escape their war ridden country. And I can't do anything about that either, because I'm just one person, far away, watching the world falling apart and people suffering because of it.
   We are overworking our planet and soon enough, it's not going to be able to sustain us. We're already using too many resources. We're killing off entire species, and we're ruining entire ecosystems, faster than any other environmental changes at any other point in the evolution of our planet. And despite me trying to use less electricity, despite me trying to shop less than I have in years before, eat less things that are bad for the environment to eat, I'm not making much of an impact, because I am one person in almost 8 billion people.
   Starvation, racism, sexism, poverty, children not being able to read or go to school, people getting cast out of their societies, people dying from preventable causes such as diseases easily treated if they had the means to do it, people not having clean drinking water, the pressures the human race places on our planet, animal cruelty... So many things that I can't do anything to help. So many disasters that I can't prevent, so many issues that I can't help.
   I'm just one person, but lately I've been feeling bad because I can't do anything about the things I keep reading about, seeing every day. I feel like I should do more, but I can never figure out how. I should make more of an effort to make an impact on the world, a positive change that will change people's lives, where the world changes for the better.
   But I'm not able to do that. I'm a small blogger with a globally speaking microscopic platform, so even if I told all of you to make an impact, even that wouldn't make that much of a change. I don't know what to do, how am I suppose to just go on with my life and not think about these things? How am I supposed to eat, sleep, laugh, knowing that we're killing our planet and that people are suffering and dying over things that really don't matter, things like power.
   I can't change anything, and it makes me feel crappy.
   I'm feeling better and happier about myself, making me able to focus on other things, like impacting other people's lives positively. I want to do something that makes other people happy, now that I myself am a lot happier. I have always believed that you have to fix yourself before you help other people, because otherwise you won't be able to make that help the best it can be if you're feeling crappy yourself.
   I'm going to find a way to figure out something that I can do, more than I'm doing right now. I need some time to figure out something. I need something that will make other people than myself happy, I want to make a positive impact, and I think you should consider doing something positive for the world as well, even if it's something as small as buying less clothing to make the impact on our planet smaller, donating to good causes to make people's suffering around the globe less horrifying.
   This turned into a really long evening post about my thoughts and feelings, but bottom line: make positive impacts, people. Even if it's just something small, not every gesture has to be grand, because kindness often takes shape in the smallest of things. Eat less cheese, take the bus to work, donate to Unicef, do something that makes this planet a little bit better to live on, for all of us.
   Because I may be just one person, but so are you. So are all of you, reading this. And many small, positive impacts will make a grand gesture, we'll just have to put in a little bit of work for it to happen.

Thoughts On My First Day Home

   I'm finally here! I've been waiting to get home for weeks, and now I'm finally sitting here, in my old bedroom. Before I moved out, I had no idea I would actually miss home this much. And now that I'm finally back I'm having a hard time believing that I get to spend almost three full months here before going back. I feel so blessed to be able to do so.
   I truly intend to enjoy this summer to the fullest, do everything I possibly can to gather experiences and energy to fuel my following school year, which I know will be very tough. I'm thinking about learning how to play the guitar, maybe doing some traveling and start my venture into the spanish language. I can't wait. Of course I'm still going to work hard on other things that aren't just leasure too; I do have a summer job, and I'm going to have to do some studying, but other than that there's a lot of personal improvement to be done, and I'm not going to hesitate to do all of it.

Tallin! Part 2

Finding Happiness Through Gratitude

Some flowers seen today

   Today has been a crazy productive day (I'll tell you all about in today's vlog, which will be coming soon), and it's been another day where I've realized how extremely grateful I should be for all the things that I have. While it's true I've worked very hard for some of them (this blog, for example), others have just kind of come along and landed in my life, without me having to do very much.
   I was born with healthy legs, meaning I could go for a walk today without having to think about it. I didn't have to bring crutches, or sit in a chair while I was outside, I could just aimlessly stroll about however I wanted, that's something to be grateful for right there. I have a wonderful partner, who I just kind of happened to meet, and our relationship is completely effortless, loving and cherishing, something very few people have. A lot of couples fight, argue, or stick together simply because they have kids, but we are together because we want to. Grateful. I have a home, and I could afford to buy food today. Grateful. I have Internet so I can post this. Grateful. I had the money to buy something I both needed and wanted, which was pretty expensive. Grateful.
   We often ignore things because they're easy. We don't have to put in any effort for it to work, so why would we think twice about them? I could be in an awful relationship, where neither really loves the other. I could be without a home. I could be starving, there are so many things I could be, but I'm not, and I'm eternally grateful for that.
   But I am also immensely grateful to myself, because I always keep fighting. I honestly don't know how I do it, but no matter how many times I break down crying over stress, panic over assignments or have a sleepless night because I can't stop thinking of all the things I should/have to do, I always recover. I keep getting up when life pushes me down, wether it's my depression or anything else. I'm so grateful that a bad day now, is what a good day would look like three years ago. I'm so happy that I'm honestly able to say I'm getting better.
   Being grateful is important, no matter what it's for. Fighting, health, a home, a loved one, or something as simple as the weather being nice and that it's not raining while you're biking to work, they're all valid reasons.
   And the more we choose to be grateful for, the more we realize we have to be happy about.

Day 5: We leave for Tallinn!

   Here's the vlog from the first day of our little three day vacation. I hope you like it, remember to subscribe to my channel by clicking here!

Day 4: Preparation

   Here's the new video from last Thursday. Delayed due to all kinds of travel, but at least it's here. Remember to subscribe to my Youtube channel by here so you won't miss an upload!

Raining Positivity

From a sunnier day, literally

   Today has been one of those days where the sky decided to open up and pour water down on all us innocents. And that's not even a joke, "raining buckets" would be a perfectly honest phrase to describe what's currently happening here in Åbo. And the weather was so nice when I woke up too! Now there's thunder and lightning, and raining more water than could fit in a whole new ocean.
   That doesn't really matter to me however, because I have so much to do today. Clean the apartment, get some writing done, reherse for the exam, dishes, laundry... The list goes on. We're in the middle of cleaning our apartment and decided to take a little break, me working on the balcony, Theo studying next to me. Life's good right now, right here.
   We're preparing for tomorrow. Both of us have exams before we leave, but at five, we're finally going. I'm so excited for Tallinn and I promise I will take as many pictures as my phone and camera allows me to! I haven't started packing yet, I've been far too consumed by the cleaning, but it's getting there. There's only the kitchen, the hallway and the bathroom left, and those were the least messy to begin with, so that shouldn't take too long.
   I'm also back to vlogging today, taking a break from it due to my PLE, because who wants the world to see your face when you look like you've had a severe allergic reaction and started to look like a death cap.
   So yes, despite of the awful weather, I'm actually feeling quite great. My happiness is returning, slowly but surely, and I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow/this weekend. Soon I'll be back in full, and be able to accomplish all the things I can't wait to do!

This Is Going To Be Really Honest

Yesterday's sunset

   I haven't been feeling to good lately, and I honestly don't know what's the issue. I'm not sleeping well, I never feel hungry, I'm always tired, grumpy and annoyed at everything. And I have no idea what's causing it. I'm about to celebrate my first anniversary with the person I live with, travelling outside the country for the first time with him. Summer has fully arrived. I'm about to go home for three months, where I have a job, get to spend time with my family, see our kittens and cats, and enjoy everything summer has to offer. But I can't feel happy, and I don't know what's wrong. I'm moving forward in my life, and I'm still not feeling better.
   I've been questioning everything lately. Am I doing/saying/thinking things to make other people happy, or to make myself happy? Am I making my choices based on what I want, or on what others around me want. I don't know what makes me happy anymore, or if I'm actually happy. Sometimes, I think I just think I wonder about things to overanalyze and make things too hard for myself, or if there's actually a problem that I'm missing.

Quotesvalley.com

   But I have also decided to not make it a big deal. I've always believed that happiness comes to you when you're not thinking about it too much. But this time, I don't know where to turn my attention this time.
   Maybe I need to think less, and do more. Maybe I have to start focusing on the bucket list. Maybe I should just work more, harder and start focusing on the things that are going well in my life.
   Speaking of my bucket list, I'm already planning for summer. I'm going to Kummakivi, which is one of the 1100 things on my bucket list. I'm going to start learning spanish, which is another point on that list. I'm going to hit 100,000 unique views on this blog, which is another point on that list. And chances are, I'm going to reach 10,000 views on the channel as well. I'm going to read the large classics, I'll practice my drawing and might be going to Sweden for a few days, if I get my way.
   And I'm all for summer, because I think if I do all those things, work hard both with myself and on my actual job, I think I'm going to find my happiness again.
   Because I know I'm going to have to put in really hard work to find my happiness again, I know I'm going to have to make a serious effort. Because happiness is actually not that easy to acheive, not for all of us. I'm already fighting my brain and my sickness, I don't need to feel that about the rest of the world too. I don't need to fight the people surrounding me, my environment, anyone else but myself.
   Because happiness is all in your head. It took me twenty years to figure that out, and I'm going to share this with you so you don't have to spend the same amount of time figuring it out for yourself. It's not about what you have that is material. It's about what you do, what you say and the people you do those things with, say those things to. Happiness is making an effort, making an impact, working towards something. To be happy, you have to stop being mediocre, you have to find something and make it the things you're insanely good at. You have to find friends who are better than mediocre, who make you smile and laugh every single day, do things that make you feel accomplished (wether it's something like getting out of the bed and taking a shower, or running your own company, becoming a parent or finishing a book). Remember that your accomplishments are chosen by you, and only you.
   And if you ever find yourself in the same place I've been for a while now, know that it will pass. You'll stop feeling empty. But it will go a lot faster if you do something about it. If you try your very best to make things work, if you make a real effort.
   Because even if we'd like to think that happiness is something that should just be given to you, that's not the case. Happiness is something you're going to have to work for, make efforts for. But those efforts are going to be different from person to person. So focus on your passion, your goals, and eventually, happiness will come to you too, when you least expect it to.

Wish Haul!

   I really like these things I got from Wish! I hop you enjoyed this video, and remember to subscribe to my channel by clicking here!

Day 2 My Early Birthday Present!

Love, Simon

lovesimontickets.com

   Me and Theo decided to go to the movies, as I've wanted to see Love, Simon since it came to theatres. It was an amazing experience, and I can honestly say that I understand why this movie has become such a symbol for the LGBTQ community.
   Simon is just like everyone else, but he has a really huge secret. Simon's gay, and he hasn't come out to anyone he knows yet. He's not scared to do it, he just keeps putting it off to keep things the same. But then, an anonymous message is posted on a discussion forum of the school Simon and his friends start, where the writer of the message claims to be gay. Simon and the anonymous young man start emailing eachother, and they build a friendship. By mistake, another student reads and takes pictures of said emails, and starts blackmailing Simon, from which point Simon's life spirals out of control.
   This movie is a modern masterpiece, where the characters come to life on the silver screen. This is a movie to be remembered, as it is one of the very few pieces with an openly gay main character, and about the only one which doesn't rely on offensive stereotypes to get the attention it craves.
   If you haven't seen this movie yet, please do. It's an amazing piece and should not be overlooked. This is a future classic, I'm sure of it. It's eye opening, for both allies and others, and will surely make you both laugh and cry.

Daily Vlogs?

   I've decided to try daily vlogs, and now I'm absolutely in love with the concept of them. I uploaded my first yesterday, feel free to watch it! And remember to subscribe to my channel!

Today's Nature Walk

   Today was partly spent walking through the gorgeous nature in Pargas, and I learned so many names of plants I've seen about all my life, which is always nice to know, I've sometimes found myself wondering "What's that tiny thing right there on the ground? What's it called?" but I've never really taken the time to check them out and actually learn real names. I've also been vlogging today, so there might be some of that in store for you soon. The weather was a lot better today, a lot of nice sunshine and clear skies to enjoy, since the world has been kind of gloomy around here lately. I love the fact that the sun's actually warming now, it makes me feel like there's actually some summer coming our way soon. So enjoy these pictures!

My Weight and Physical Health

   So here it is. This is something that's really personal to me, and also something I never thought I'd post about on the Internet. But since I believe in being open and honest with you, this is what's going on right now. If you're not subscribed yet, you can do that here

Your Annoying Friends

Found on @wittyidiot on Instagram

   People like this bother me so much. If you're going to complain to me about your friends, I have just one question for you: why are you friends with them to begin with? You are an adult, which means you make your own decisions. You're surrounded by negative people? Cut them out. You're surrounded by people who make you feel bad about yourself? Cut. You don't identify with your friendgroup? Get some new friends who understand you and who you can be yourself with.
   Dear people, it's really not that hard. If you don't like the people around you, you get new people. Nobody's forcing you to be around people who you don't like, who don't add anything but bad things to your life. You choose this people, either because you feel like you have to (spoiler alert, you don't have to) either due to ties or to history together, or because you're too lazy to find new people. And also, guess what: if your family makes you feel bad, you don't have to be around them. Blood is thicker than water, but the blood between you two can be thinner, because you can put it on a diet and avoid them.
   And if you're too lazy to find yourself some positive, happy people who actually bring something to yourself and you bring something to theirs, you've just lost your right to complain about it.
   You cannot complain about something if you're not making an active effort to change it, that's it. Either you start trying to change it, or you just keep quiet about it, because if you're causing your own problems, nobody really cares about your complaining. It's like putting a stone on your foot, and then complaining about the pain.

I've Been Thinking

Random picture from today's walk, that has nothing to do with the topic

   I've done a lot of thinking lately, about everything. About life, what I'm doing with it, about my stress, about other people around me and what they expect from me. I've realized that I have a lot of goals, and should be working every minute towards acheiving them. And I don't mean just sitting behind a desk, working 24 hours every day (although that would be a great way to reach some of the goals I want to fulfill).
   I have a lot of dreams, so many things that I would like to happen in my life, and I know that I can't just stand idly by and wait for them to happen on their own. Because life doesn't really work like that. It doesn't just hand you things, you have to go out there and get them for yourself, and I have to start doing that. I have to start fighting for what I want, and you should too.
   I want to be a writer, but in the past three months I've barely written anything. I make part of my income from this blog, and I haven't even written something good here, in quite a few weeks. I want to get well, which is something I'm actually working really hard on, but I still feel like I could be doing more to acheive that. You've all seen my bucket list (and if you haven't, you can click here to read it), so you know it's longer than your average one, and I really want all those things to happen for me.
   So I'm going to start pushing more. I'm going to put in 110% of my energy in the things that I do, and actually try and make a difference in my life from now on. I have a lot to do, and a lot to acheive. Let's try and make all of that happen.

April Recap

  Here's the new video, I'm sorry for it being late (was originally going to upload it Tuesday) but at least it's here. Remember to subscribe to my youtube channel, which you can do by clicking here!

Tired and Optimistic

From my evening walk yesterday

   I'm extremely tired. I decided to go to bed eary yesterday, since my exam was at 8 (honestly, the people who decided to have a chemistry exam at eight in the morning, why tho?), and went to bed by 23.30 (yes, that's actually early for me, believe it or not). I fell asleep pretty quickly, and then woke up just as quick, being awake for about three hours in the middle of the night. Long story short, today I'm running on about four hours of pretty bad sleep, so I think I have the right to be tired.
   Despite being tired though, I've accomplished quite a lot today already. I attended my exam from 8-10, after that I went to the pharmacy to pick up some painkillers for Theo (he's still sick) and then came home, re-organized my closet and now here I am. The plans for the rest of the day are pretty simple: go through another chapter of chemistry (the exam is split into two parts, the other one is next tuesday), go for another evening walk, since I've really been enjoying those lately, a few assignments in biology and then a trip to the grocery store, since it's my turn to cook dinner today. I'm not sure what I'm making yet, hopefully I'll figure out something interesting.
   My throat is still killing me, but it's better than yesterday, so that's something. As I'm planning my May, I'm realizing that it will probably be even more busy than I originally thought, but hey, if you're going to be busy, give it 110%, right? I still hope, and think, that despite the workload for May, there will be some spare time too. Now that the weather is getting warmer again, I'm starting to hope for a picnic or two as soon as the sun is out.

Sushi and the Future

Sushi!

   Me and Sara went to eat sushi, at Kawaii as usual. It was amazing, a perfect lunch for a stressful day, meeting up with good friends is like therapy, it's a way for both parties to talk freely about absolutely everything. And right now, I really need that. I'm about to enter one of the most stressful months in my life, and I need all the help I can get. And I always love spending time with Sara, she's one of the very few people I can always be 100% honest with.
   Today there's lots on the agenda. I want to film and edit a video (don't know which one it will be yet, there are a few ideas I've been throwing around for quite a while) and I have a friend coming over to study for the exam I have tomorrow.
   I'm honestly not all too confident about this exam, but who knows, it might surprise me. I don't understand a lot of the material (remember, I was sick for three weeks during April), but I can always take it again if needed. I also have two more exams this month (that I know of so far) one the 11th, one the 25th, which is my final one. That's the beauty of attending university, failing is common, so they give you three tries to be sure you pass. So if you're starting university here in Finland in the fall and are worried about having to pass your exams, don't be. It's actually pretty chill, despite what people tell you.
   A lot of other things are happening in May as well, we're going to Tallinn, I'm going home for summer, and I'm starting my new job, and there are a lot of projects I'll be working on throughout the month.
   So yes, May will, without a doubt, be extremely stressful, because it will be one of the most hard working months in my life, but all the things are positive, I'll be working towards a lot of long term goals, so I'll just have to keep focus on that!

Avengers Infinity War (Spoiler free)

   So me and one of my best friends decided to go watch this movie, as we are both huge fans of Marvel, and had been waiting for this movie for what feels like forever. When arriving at the cinema, we were both excited and terrified of what might happen, and we weren't disappointed.
   As Thanos gains more power in the universe, the avengers and other of Marvels heroes will have to come together to stop him, because if they don't half of the universe will be killed, something Thanos views as necessary for his philosophy of balance in the world. As they fight, our heroes have to push all their limits at once to have any hope of success.
   I honestly don't know what to say about this movie. It was a masterpiece, but the general plottwist was more enormous than I had imagined, I don't know what to do with myself after watching it. The acting, as always in Marvel movies, was impeccable (personal favorites include Benedict Cumberbatch and Robert Downey Jr, as always when those two are involved in something, it was epic), and the graphics and effects were amazing. The director's work and the scenery were both amazing, and there's nothing I would chage when it comese to those two, and I can honestly say I'm longing for the next movie, anxiously waiting for it to drop as soon as possible.
   If you're a fan of the Marvel movies, I honestly recommend you go see this movie, but make sure you've seen all the others before you watch this, because otherwise there's a chance that you might be confused over references, relationships displayed in the movie, and so on. But this movie was indeed a masterpiece, albeit a frustrating one (watch it and you'll see what I mean by that), something I will never forget watching.