I Made It!

   Dear people, I'm finally at my parent's house! Wohoo! I just finished working on an assingment, actually did more than I had planned to do today because it is late and I'm insanely tired. But I have to, have to, have to get it done. But yes, I'm finally here! I have waited so long to get to spend some time here, and I'm so happy that it's finally time.

Read this on the train!

   I just... It feels amazing to be here, guys. Of course, I like my home in Åbo too (I mean, I live there after all), but I also wish that I could spend more time here. I miss my mom and my dad, this is my childhood home. Of course I want to be here as much as possible. Trust me when I say I'm going to make the most out of these four days here. Still keeping a schedule that allows for studies, of course, but it's so amazing to finally have the time to see them.

   Now it's time for sleep. I promised myself to only write a short "update, I made it" post, and I think I'm going to stick to that. I'm getting to the point where my head is pounding because of all the tiredness that it's currently containing, and I really don't want to tire myself out. I have more than enough to think about as it is without "too little sleep" being added to that list.
   So, from my parent's house here in Ostrobothnia, I wish you a good night's sleep, because I'm sure hoping for one.

What You Took

   There are so many things you took away from me, too many things to properly be able to count them all. So many that I could write page after page, and still not get close to the real amount.
   You took away my capability of feeling happiness without questioning it. Do I have the right to be happy, the person who's sick with an illness that people associate with the deepest sadness there is? Am I really happy, or am I fooling myself again?
   You took my ability to trust without constantly testing people's love for me. You made it so hard for me to trust in people all together, to believe that there was good in them, just because of the few bad things a few people put me through.
   You took my ability to cry, to laugh, to talk about real things. With anyone. Even to be with someone who shares their feelings with me, makes me uncomfortable and I don't have any idea what to do to help them.
   You made it harder for me to smile, to leave my apartment, to enjoy things I used to love. You made it harder for me to love food, to try new things, to belive there was something good in me, to believe in my talents and my gifts.
   But I'm finally realizing something very, very important. There's nowhere for me to go but up. I can only get better. I have to fight for it, but I can only get better.
   Slowly but surely I'm starting to realize my worth and my talents. I'm starting to feel real happiness without having to question myself at every turn. I can finally trust people again, little by little I trust people again. Because despite what you're telling me, not everyone wants to hurt me, to use me for their own good, and I finally know it. I have started laughing again, started singing even though people can hear me. I feel comfortable wearing the clothes I like, the makeup I like. I no longer hate myself for not fitting in.
   Slowly, I start to enjoy food again. I like the things I used to love again. I like my drawings, my texts and my work. I can look at pictures of myself and actually think I'm pretty, that I look good. I can see the sparkle returning to my eyes, slowly but surely I'm getting better. I'm fighting again, and no matter how many times you knock me on my ass, I'll get up and fight harder.
   Because now I'm determined. I'm going to get better. Dear depression, I'm going to get back everything you took from me, and then some.

"Which One of You Is the Girl?"

   This is something that I've never understood. That there is really people walking around, asking gay and lesbian couples "Which one of you is the guy? Which one is the girl?" Because guess what, stupid. When you're in a gay relationship, it's kind of the point that both of you are men, because they're not attracted to girls. When two lesbians are in a relationship, it's kind of the point that neither of them are men, because they're not attracted to men. They want to date someone of the same gender, aka: neither of them has to be the other gender for the relationship to work, and neither of them need to have traits of another gender to make the relationship work.
   Also, the fact that you think that one or both of the members have to be a certain way for the relationship to work. In heterosexual relationships, does the woman have to be able to cook? Does she have to wear dresses? Because if she's not feminine enough, the relationship won't work out?
   Dear people claiming that gay couples have to have a masculine and a feminine part, you are very much missing the point regarding same sex relationships. And, just because someone doesn't fit your ideal view of a relationship, you're not allowed to act surprised and belittle them. People in relationships don't have to fit your standards or ideas of a good couple for them to be a great match.
   Now, it's obvious that I'm not gay (I think anyone that has ever known me has been able to tell) but that doesn't mean that this doesn't bother me. Because this statement, and the question of "So, which one's the girl?" hurts my friends every time they're asked, and they never know what to reply.
   So here you go. Before you go ahead and ask this stupid question again, think about this blog post, and think about the answer you should already know. Think about the basic logic that tells you that gay couples don't want to imitate heterosexuality. Well, at least it should be telling you that.
   Destroy the idea that in gay couples one has to be masculine and one has to be feminine to imitate heterosexuality.

Posts That Inspire Me (Food Poisoning)

Hey guys! I'm pretty sure that I'm having some sort of food poisoning (don't worry, I'm taking care of myself properly, this should all be over tomorrow, which is a free day anyway so I'm not missing out on anything), so just... Here are a few instagram posts that I think about a lot/that inspire me a lot. I promise I'll post something real as soon as I'm feeling better!

Effective Opinions

   Dear feminists, know that not everything is your fight. It doesn't mean that you're not allowed to support the people fighting for those things, but it bothers me when people claim they can relate to everything because that absolutely impossible. If you are a white woman, you can fight for POC rights, but that doesn't mean that you have the right to claim that you know what they've been through, or that you can relate to their struggles. Because honestly: you cannot relate to systematic racism. That's not possible. But you can help them through their struggle, you can support them. But don't you dare to know everyone's struggles, because clearly you don't. That's not possible. Stop making every single problem about you, because guess what. Sometimes, it's not about you.
   On a completely different note (not really, this still relates to feminism), this is what debates should be like. It doesn't matter what the subject of debate is. If you're talking about abortions, political issues, the environment... As long as your opinion doesn't disrespect someone else's existence or belittle someone else's health, and you're speaking politely to me, you can have whatever opinion you like and I'll respect it. We disagree on political views because I'm a liberal, but you don't insult me? Fine. You believe in God, but don't disrespect me being an atheist? Fine. But you thinking that racism isn't real, that global warming isn't real (because that is a literal life risk for every single human on Earth) or anything that doesn't disrespect someone's existance, then we can't be friends, because then I think you're an asshat.
   Also, be respectful about your opinion. You do know that no one takes a debate seriously with a person who instead of using facts, starts to use feelings and insults in the middle of that debate. You're not convincing me of anything, except the fact that you're not capable of actually composing an argument, that you're probably very childish and that your opinion doesn't really have any scientific support.

Back Home

   Hey guys, I'm back! I had a bit of a break over the weekend, as I went to Pampas nationaldag, if you don't know what that is, you can watch this video where I talk about it. It was loads of fun, I got to meet a ton of old acquaintances, and even managed to meet one of you while at a bar in Vasa! If you're reading this, what's up dude, it was a pleasure to meet you. It's still strange for me to meet people who read my blog, because I've only met a few of you, but know that I'm really flattered that you liked my work!
   I had a lot of fun, it was something I'll remember forever, amongst other things I saw 1G3B live with my friends, which was amazingly fun. But now, it's great to be back home where I can relax and sleep in my own bed. I love being back, even though traveling is always fun (and I get to travel all over again this Thursday, wohoo!). I'm so glad that I'm finally in a place where I can travel and do things without my mental health being the first thing I think about.
   Also, a quick sidenote before I go to bed (because I'm honestly pretty exhausted), we reached 4000 views on my youtube channel. That's absolutely amazing, thank you so much! I'm so lucky to have all this amazing support, and I'm so happy to see that you're liking what I put out into the universe.

Male Body Positivity!

Just a little reminder to all the men that are reading my blog and watching my videos (because you make up a whopping 46% of my audience!) that you are perfect just the way you are, and that you should always love yourself, no matter what you look like!

Positivity!

I really like this picture of me, so here you go!

   I am so tired, I actually skipped my lecture today to get a full 7 hours of sleep so I could study for one of my upcoming exams. But at least some good news that came today: I passed the exam I had yesterday, and I realized I actually realized that one of the upcoming exams, I actually know that one pretty well, so I feel like I don't have to study for that one that much (thank God, because I have more than enough to do already). Of course I'm still going to go through the stuff for the exam a couple of days before, but it's comforting to know that I already have it mostly covered already.
   More positivity that has been realised today: I decided to go home for Easter! I've wanted to go visit my parents for a while now, and I've been looking for an opportunity to go home. Now, as thing seem to be calming down (who am I kidding, no they're not), and I can afford the train tickets home, I've decided to actually go home for four days! And I'm really looking forward to it. I feel like I need this break right now, even though I have to study while I'm at home.
   I am so looking forward to see my family and my friends, and I can't wait to cuddle my cat again! I'm also looking forward to the silence. I am going to be surrounded by silence, and you have no idea how nice that is to think about for me.

I'm Tired: A Collection of Frustration

   Sometimes I wish there was a pause button for life. Something I could just press, and then everything would be placed on hold for a while, because I'm honestly getting so tired of everything that's going on at the moment, that a break would be greatly appreciated.
   I'm tired of hearing of the school shootings in the USA, and watching the authorities do absolutely nothing about it. Because how many children have to sacrifice their lives, how many parents have to griev their children before they finally realize that maybe there are faults in their systems, and decide to fix them? Since 2000, 280 people have died in your shootings. Why do you think that is? Compare that to Finland, where we've had two shootings since 2000, with only 20 deaths. And no, you can't use mental health as an excuse. Because other countries have mental health issues too, but you're the leading one in shootings.
   I'm tired of watching women be harrassed all over social media, simply because they were born women. I'm tired of seeing comments like "nice rack" and "what are you doing later *wink, wink*" in every comment section of selfies of women. Because women have not been through several millions of years of evolution, just to be stared at by you. Dear men, it might shock you to hear this, but women are not on this Earth to please you, so stop acting like we are. And before you start acting all macho about it, yes I'm tired of seeing women comment sexist things on pictures of men too.
   I'm tired of reading about teens who are so stressed by school that they stop sleeping properly, stress daily about assignments and tests, and dread to wake up the next morning just because it's a Tuesday and they will have to go back.
   I'm tired of knowing that trans, gay, bi, ace, pan and all other sexualities and identities are being discriminated against, simply because the people around them either don't know any better, or simply because they believe to be in the right. Listen here: if you are in the right, no human beings will be harmed by you being so. People who aren't cis/hetero are constantly at risk for getting beat up, ridiculed or even killed because of who they are.
   I'm tired of knowing that people of color are being discriminated against in the states, in my own country and almost everywhere else, simply because they were born with a skin that was not pearly white, and for some reason, the pearly white ones cannot tolerate that.
   I'm tired of reading about tradgedies in the news, and knowing that the people who have the power to do something, are currently doing nothing. I'm tired of reading about famine, about war, about tradgedy and knowing that the people who could make this world better, are sitting comfortably on their high horses, and are refusing to care what happens to their fellow humans. I can't stand to read another word about men, women and children dying in wars that they did not start, or wanted to be a part of. I'm tired of hearing about refugees dying on their way to safety, or not having anywhere to go because no countries will open their arms to them.
   This Wednesday, I'm tired. I'm tired of injustice, of prejudice, of people being killed simply because of the way they were born or where they happened to be. I'm tired of reading about people who suffer at the hands of someone else without being able to do anything about it. Because I'm just one person. One small human standing on a globe filled with billions of others. My voice will drown in the mass of the other's.
   But even if my voice drowns, even if my thoughts aren't heard or agreed with, at least I can say that I said something. Dear world, dear people who inhabit it with me: let's do something. Because clearly, there is something that's not right.

I Walked On The River

   So a few times by now, I've seen pictures of people walking on Aura Å, since it's been frozen for quite a while, and today while taking a walk Theo and I decided to try it for ourselves. I apologize for the quality of the pictures, but I only had my phone with me.
   I've always been scared of rivers, I think it might be because my mother used to tell me a story about her brother's friends who drowned in a river. It was a great cautionary tale, maybe it worked a little bit too well, because every time I swim in a river or go close to one now, it's a personal challenge for me. But I did it, and I'm so proud of myself! Yay for personal growth!

Status Update

   Since I've been on and off here for a while, I thought I'd make a little video to catch up, tell you about all the stuff that's going on and what's going to happen in the few upcoming months. I hope you like it, and remember to check out my channel by clicking here!

Exercise!

Might serve as a before picture (?)

   I've started working out again! Slowly but surely, I'm determined to get back into shape and start to like myself again. Today I had a quick little session with just a few leglifts (my abs are still insanely sore from last time, so I kept away from exercises regarding those), and worked a bit on my back.
   Despite being in horrible pain, every couple of days I'm really happy I started working out gain. It feels great, I'm a lot more energized than I am on the days I don't exercise, and I'm hoping to feel better soon. Exercise is after all, one of the most natural ways to combat depression and stress. As you might have noticed, I'm trying everything I can to feel better. New sleeping patterns, eating better, and now exercise. Because I can't do this anymore. I can't bare the thought of waking up ever day, not knowing wether I'm going to feel good or bad. Wether I'm going to feel on top of the world or at the bottom of a well.
   I actually used to work out quite a lot a few years ago, and I was in pretty good shape. I want that me back, because despite feeling worse mentally, I felt a lot better physically. I feel like if I could combine that physical health with my mental health at the moment, I would actually feel pretty okay. Because as of this moment, my head is feeling better, but my body worse. Back then, it was the other way around.
   So I might be able to have decent mental health and decent physical health, if I try to get my diet and exercise back together. And right now, I need to feel decent, in both ways, because I need to perform my best at so many things in my life right now.

The Bucket List (4/4)

1. See Pompeii
2. Sleep at the hotel that inspired the Shining
3. Meet Jacksfilms
4. Hold a tarantula
5. Climb the sun pyramid
6. Hike in the rainforest
7. Visit Alexandria
8. Eat pavlova
9. See da Vinci's sketches
10. Walk in the catacombs of Paris
11. Visit an Egyptian museum
12. Write my biography
13. Walk in the desert
14. Meet David So
15. Visit Easter Island
16. See the Giza pyramid
17. Ride a donkey
18. Eat ribs
19. Write a book based on real history
20. Camp in a rainforest
21. Design my own home
22. Plant a tree for every year I've lived
23. Walk a distance equal to four times around the Earth
24. Teach my children horseback riding
25. Have my picture taken with the Sphinx
26. Learn how to read stars
27. See an active volcano
28. Own a pet snake
29. See wild penguins
30. Write a book about my journeys
31. Learn how to sail
32. Have a profession I that allows me to work from home
33. Hold a monkey
34. Read Plato's texts
35. Ride an Icelandic horse on Iceland
36. Visit Siwa oasis
37. Ride a camel
38. Visit Turku castle with Theo (he's never been)
39. See Arc de Triomphe
40. Watch 100 documentaries with Theo
41. Donate my clothes to charity
42. Speak at a feminist event
43. Go vegan with Theo for two months
44. Drink champagne at an exotic location
45. Climb Kebnekajse
46. Eat dinner at Svartå Castle
47. See all the classics
48. Save enough money to pay for my children's education
49. See Mount Everest
50. Climb one of the 10 highest mountains in the world
51. Spoil my husband
52. Own my own forest
53. See Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet
54. Eat at 10.000 different cafés and restaurants
55. Sleep on silk sheets
56. Own a car worth 50,000
57. Be pleased with my life
58. Walk on stilts
59. See the red square
60. Know Shakespeare by heart
61. See all the Disney movies w Theo
62. Stand at Halti
63. Grow my hair long again
64. See Champions League live with Theo
65. Plant roses for every year we spend together
66. Publish a biography
67. Ride a balloon
68. Take a shower in a waterfall
69. New Years Ever at Times Square
70. White Water rafting
71. Sleep in a castle
72. See an iceberg
73. See the sistine chapel
74. Be at Mardi Gras
75. Stand on the ecuator
76. See Victoria Falls
77. Send a message in a bottle
78. Be at another wedding
79. See the Little Mermaid statue
80. Eat macarons
81. Drink absinth
82. Stay at a capsule hotel
83. See Uluru
84. Eat at a 5 star restaurant
85. Walk behind a waterfall
86. See st. Basil's Cathedral
87. Eat black truffles
88. Drink dandelion wine
89. See the pink lake in Australia
90. See midnight sun
91. Eat an entire har of Nutella
92. Participate in "Buy Nothing Day"
93. See a meteorshower
94. Eat poutine
95. Be in Versailles
96. Stand in a uboat
97. Go to a Geiger bar
98. Travel by raft
99. Start a food blog
100. Have my book blog reach 1000 reviews
101. Eat baba ganoush
102. Horse and carriage
103. Travel by dogsled
104. Buy nothing new for a month
105. Drink bellini
106. Moules frites
107. See st. Peter's basilica
108. Drink mimosas
109. Have my channel reach 10,000 views
110. Celebrate our first anniversary in Tallinn
111. Own a Rolex
112. Take self defence classes
113. Have fake nails
114. Become retired
115. Gamble in Atlantic city
116. Eat pho
117. See Knossos
118. Have our family picture taken every year
119. Dive in the Baltic Sea
120. Sleep away an entire day
121. Have friends on every continent
122. Have a successful side project
123. Sing alone, before at least 50 people
124. Start an art blog
125. See a play at Turku theatre
126. Write 10 books
127. Eat paella
128. Take a walk in Gamla Stan in Stockholm
129. Go to Grand Bazaar in Istanbul
130. Eat calamari
131. Have 10.000.000 views on the blog
132. Try couple's massages
133. Have my portrait painted
134. Visit 10.000 bars across the world
135. Take a walk in central park
136. Eat gumbo
137. Take a class in traditional dance
138. Feel like I know what I'm doing with my life
139. Own a bunny
140. Be a kickass grandmother
141. Reach 10.000 subscribers
142. Eat frog
143. See Westminster Abbey
144. Own a greenhouse
145. Get another tattoo
146. Dye someone's hair
147. Stay up for 24 hours straight
148. Know the lyrics to 100 songs by heart
149. See Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro
150. Eat eel
151. See the white cliffs of Dover
152. See the wailing wall
153. Eat key lime pie
154. Bake chocolate cupcakes with Theo
155. Sleep at a haunted place
156. Bryce Canyon National Park
157. Volontary work
158. Have a video with 100,000 views
159. Sleep underneath the stars
160. Have a themed party
161. Loch Ness
162. Meet Misha Collins
163. Kiss my boyfriend in all the countries on Earth
164. Have a paranormal experience
165. Make kale chips
166. Eat moonpie
167. Se Mecca
168. Camp by a hiking trail
169. See Moulin Rougue
170. Celebrate Christmas with my family
171. See wild polar bears
172. Berlin's Cathedral
173. Eat prickly pear
174. Have my children's name tattooed
175. Sleep in an igloo
176. Be at a wedding in another country
177. Go fishing with Theo
178. See the moon pyramid
179. Camp on a beach
180. See Death Valley
181. Take a walk on Greenland
182. Own diamond jewelry
183. Have a set of real pearls
184. Eat dragon fruit
185. Kiss at Machu Pichu
186. See the Osaka castle
187. See the Motsumo castle
188. Eat oxtail soup
189. Learn some programming skills
190. Find 1000 geocaches
191. Witness a lunar eclipse
192. Sunbathe at a tourist location
193. See the Faroe islands
194. Let go of the past
195. Drive over the Öresund bridge
196. Go to Tsukij market
197. Eat at Bel Canto
198. Drive at Autobahn
199. Take a walk in Sequoia
200. Eat snake
201. Visit spree park
202. Try having guest bloggers
203. Reach 100,000 views on the channel
204. Write a journal about my children
205. Have a picnic on a french meadow
206. Arches National Park
207. Take a class in taekwondo
208. Party in Las Vegas
209. See 100 bands live
210. Sleep 2000 meters above sea level
211. Drink an old whiskey
212. Tallinn Town Hall Square
213. Drink at Maid café
214. Grow old with Theo
215. Make a collab
216. Badeshiff
217. Se Teotihuacan
218. Ride a water taxi
219. See the Silent People in Suomussalmi
220. Lake Bodom
221. Eat at Robot Restaurant
222. Own a Slytherin scarf
223. See Delphi
224. Drink at the Way Station
225. Take a walk on Takeshita street
226. Parasite museum in Japan
227. See Jerusalem
228. Eat umeboshi
229. Drink a drink at a hotel bar
230. Viborg
231. Drive a cabriolet
232. Boro budur temple
233. Manoir de Paris
234. Try a flight simulator
235. Try Rent-A-Friend in Tokyo
236. Eat natto
237. Visit the Smithsonian
238. Morbid Anatomy Museum
239. Drink coffee at Mahika Mano
240. See Lostenen again
241. See the Berlin Wall
242. Eat biltong
243. Ride a hay carriage
244. Kakslauttanen Arctic Resort
245. Kummakivi
246. See the Tower of London
247. See the Finnish national library
248. Ride a river boat
249. Eat bulgogi
250. Antelope Canyon
251. See Trolltunga
252. See Kilimanjaro
253. Visit a meteorite's crater
254. Make a sculpture
255. Drive a motorbike
256. Camp in the desert
257. Complete my bucketlist
     
     So that was it for now! I have quite a lot on here, so we'll just see what I manage to do from all of these things that I would like to do. Hopefully, I can complete this list of things. There are a lot of fun milestones in here, and I'm thinking I want to record a video in the end of each year, telling you guys which ones I've completed during that past year. I hope you enjoyed getting to know me and my goals a little bit better!

I Don't Like Myself

Leftover picture from the recent video

   I often speak about the fact that I don't like myself, but I never really give any reasons why, so I decided to add a list while I'm watching the game with Theo. So here are a few reasons why I'm a crappy person! Don't worry, I'm also going to add five reasons I think I'm amazing, I'm not going to outright hate on myself publically. I just think it's important to know and be honest about your weaknesses, and as I'm trying to be honest and improve myself, I decided to make this list, so here we go.
   The first thing I don't like about myself is my body, and if you've been following along on the blog, this shouldn't come as a surprise. Recently I've gained a bit of weight, and I am obviously not a fan, because I'm neither at a healthy weight or in a healthy place right now. Hopefully, that'll change soon, because I am trying to watch what I eat a bit more, and I'll try to eat less sweets.
   The second thing I don't like about myself is the fact that I always feel like I should do more. I could literally work myself into the ground, and still feel like there's more that I can do. It makes me feel like I'm not trying enough, even though I know that I am. This is something that, at least for me, ties into the way I'm feeling about my mental health right now, which means that this too will pass, yay!

Tonight's drink while we watch soccer

   The third thing I don't like about myself is my nose. There's not really much I can do about that, so I try to not think about it a lot, because I'm not going under the knife just to reshape my nose!
   The fourth thing I don't like about myself is how I handle compliments. Either I subconciously find something negative within the comment (for example, if someone said "you look nice today" I would probably focus on the today- part, making me think "so I don't look nice any other day?"). This is also something that ties into my mental health, which means it will pass. Wohoo!
   And now for the things I love about myself, that make me feel happy or stuff that I'm just in general proud of.
   Firstly, I'm insanely proud of the work I do. The blog, my youtube channel, the fact that I, some day would like to be a published writer and I'm working on that every day. I am one of the lucky few making money of something that used to be nothing but a hobby (the blog that is, notice the ads), and having that as a side income. Not many people can say they do anything but spend money on their hobbies. And though it's not a lot of cash, it's steadily increasing. I'm also insanely proud of my amount of followers, because I've worked hard to reach all of you. The number of visitors now goes as high as 600 on some days, and we're approaching 100.000 unique ones since I started this blog, how amazing is that? The aspiring writer in me thanks you.
   The second thing I like about myself is my hair. It's amazingly strong, and it can take all the coloring, bleaching and all the cutting I've put it through the past years. Thank you, hair! You are stronger than I'll ever be.
   Speaking of strong, that's the third thing I can proudly say is on my list. I have gone through a lot, from friends talking shit, to illnesses both regarding myself, friends and family members, I've been bullied and humanity has been a general shitshow for a large part of my existance. But still, I stand up for my values, my opinions and my rights. People can call me a lot of things, but weak isn't one of them. Not physically, or mentally, since I am also perfectly capable of lifting my boyfriend and carry him around our apartment, believe it or not!
   Fourth, I'm insanely proud of my artistic talents. I can knit, crochet, draw, paint, and write all kinds of texts that you can imagine, and honestly, I'm determined to have a career where I can use all of those talents.
   And fift, there are so many other reasons. I know I'm good at multitasking, I like the color of my eyes, I have an amazing apartment... There are so many things that I'm proud of, and happy about that the bad ones honestly fade most of the time, that is, on the days I feel well. I wanted to use this point to say that I'm proud to be passionate, that I speak my mind, that I'm not afraid to laugh, to have humor, to make noise and take up space. I'm proud that I'm a feminist, that I managed to get such an amazing partner, that I'm good at picking outfits, that I've finally learned how to make my eyebrows look somewhat like they should, that I'm attending my dream university, that I'm working hard to find my place in life, that I'm making my bucketlist, and that I'm constantly working on improvement.
   All in all, I think I'm a pretty good person. At least, I try to be. My negative sides are fewer than the positive things I can find in myself, and the bad ones I can work on improving (you know, except the nose). I've come a long way with how I see myself, and you know what? I'm going to get even further.

Homemade Ice Cream

Delicious!

   So today, we did something different. Or, Theo did the actual thing, I just enjoyed the aftermath. I've always wanted to taste homemade ice cream, and today I got the chance! I had no idea Theo had such a talent in making ice cream. But, since the ice cream is mostly made of cream, it's a lot more filling than regular ice cream, so even this portion seen in the picture was actually more than enough for me.
   So if you've never tried homemade ice cream before, please do, because it's really worth the extra effort. But remember that your portions need to be small than with regular ice cream, so making a large amount might be a waste of your time!

Outfit inspiration/Lookbook!

It's finally here! I hope you enjoyed this video, and remember to subscribe to my channel by clicking here!

Britannia

   As the Romans seek to invade Britain, which is at the time ruled by two rivaling tribes, the Cantii and the Regni, an old prophecy is slowly unraveling into reality as a young woman embarks on an adventure with an outcast. The Druids, who have guided the old country, still prove to be a powerful force.
   This show appeared on the air a couple of weeks ago, and walked stright into my heart. This show produced by Sky is one of the best shows I've ever seen, just having finished the first season, my heart breaking that I know that I have to wait until the next season is released to see more of this masterpiece. The characters are amazing, although some of them quite cliché (but as it completely amazes me, I let it slide), and the story fascinating, with intense plottwists.
   The show provides a unique insight into the tribal life, and the rituals that are fueled by such things, as well as an amazing look into the corrupt minds of leaders of the older nations.
   Highly recommended if you've watched and enjoyed shows such as Vikings and Game of Thrones, or if you're fascinated by historical series in general.

Resident Evil: Extinction

   Despite the efforts of Umbrella, the T-virus escapes Raccoon City, and the entire human race is endangered as infection spreads quickly. Alice finds a convoy of people survining the virus on their own, and decides to follow them as they are searching for more survivers in the entirety of the USA, as a man named Dr. Isaac works on potentially domesticating the infected humans for the uses of hard labour.
   As I've said before regarding these movies, they're good, if you don't want something that actually takes some thought to follow along, and if the missing depth of the characters doesn't disturb you it's actually quite enjoyable. Perfect for a night when you want nothing but entertainment and don't want to think about anything but the mindless zombies strolling around your screen.
   The first two movies were acceptable, as for the third one, the little point the franchise had has been dried out. The most enjoyable part about this film is the scenery. The "strong female character" is completely without depth, and if I'm being honest, quite boring.
   Would actually not recommend this. I would like to, but I just can't. If you're a fan of zombie movies, then of course, watch it, but if you're not wildly into movies like that, then I think it'd be a huge waste of your time.

Strange

   I have been feeling a bit under the weather, it's been somewhat of a journey to be honest. I have a lot to think about lately. I might not get a job for summer, I have a lot of tests, and I feel like I'm spreading too much, like too little butter to a large piece of bread. So today, I took a walk.
   I have always found walks to be strangely terapeutic, but of course, exercise lets all the feel good hormones run wild, so I'm guessing that's part of the reason.
   I'm just feeling really lost lately, like I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing or why. It's a strange feeling, to not really know anything, and it feels really unsettling to not be aware of anything, especially for me who likes to plan and sort things out.
   And the worst part is, I have absolutely no clue what has brought this on. I've been feeling good for a long time now, and I've been trying to get better. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, there's this strange sensation of not knowing anything, but wanting desperately to figure out why. It's strange, and I want it to pass. Has anyone of you ever experienced something like this, a sudden change from 100% motivated and aware of your goals and actions to 100% unsure about absolutely everything around you, then please leave a comment on how I can make this strange things stop.
   I wish I could spend my entire days just walking around, because if I'm being really honest with myself, I think that's when I feel the best.

A Good Look at Myself

   Now, yesterday I worked out for the first time in forever, and I can honestly say, I feel like crap. My muscles are sore, my abs are aching every time I laugh and I can't walk straight. But, I also feel pretty good about it. If I'm being honest, I'm in terrible shape. Like really awful, awful shape, and I think it's because of what I eat. And before any worried readers comment about the trash... I eat very good things. I eat all my greens, veggies and fruit all day! But the problem is, I'm eating all those healthy things, with a whole other bunch of trash. So don't worry, I get all of my vitamins, nice and good for me. But...
   The amount of trash I eat is ridiculous, it's awful. The amount of sugar, I don't even want to think about it. Candy, chocolate, sugary drinks, chips... I am basically made by carbs right now.
   Also, since I'm so busy, I don't really have the time to work out. Do you realize that I am currently studying for four exams, applying for summer jobs and trying to sleep at least six hours a night. How am I supposed to find sufficient time to go to the gym, work out, and walk back again? What, when and how? I do take the occasional walk and since I walk everywhere I go, I move around a bit. But actually working off all the sugary things? No way there's any time for that.
   So what's the solution then? Well, I have finally decided to try and cut back on the sugar. I've noticed I eat less when my hands are busy, so I've taken up knitting at all times when I'm sitting down and not holding anything. I'm trying to drink more water, but I still have so much to do in ways of improvement. Because I would love to have a healthy weight, and I know I may look skinny, but you know what? You're not seeing the new fat around my stomach, and you have no clue what my BMI is. I've always had a pretty high one, because I'm actually pretty strong and have a bit of muscle on me, but now, it's gone way up and I'm not happy with that.
   I do believe that you should love your body, and if you're happy and healthy, go ahead and love yourself just like you are, because you deserve that! But I'm not healhty, and it makes me feel bad about my body and to be completely honest, about myself too. Knowing that my body is not doing very well is not a nice feeling, so something has got to change. Because I have more than enough issues with my selfesteem from the get go, I don't need more of those, I don't have the time for more.
   Because I really want to feel good about myself, I want to like my body and the way I look. And I know what you're thinking, "Your weight doesn't have anything to do with you liking yourself!". Uh, yes it freaking has! Me not being healthy, me not having a healthy weight for me, having gained weight compared to what I usually weigh, is a problem for me, because guess what? My bodyweight tells me that I am not healthy! As I said, if you're healhty, and doing what you can to stay healthy, you should love yourself, because loving yourself doesn't mean that you're not allowed to become better. You should love yourself if you're trying to get better, because that's all loving yourself should be about. You should love yourself enough to take care of yourself.

What a Regular Day Looks Like

   So this is what a regular day looks like for me, if you've ever wondered about that. I hope you enjoy this video, and I recommend you subscribe to my youtube channel by clicking here!

Before I Wake

   Mark and Jessie Hobson have finally decided to take in a fosterchild, after loosing their son in an accident. Eight year old Cody, who's very intelligent and passionate about butterflies, is taken in by them. He tells Jessica he's scared of "the Cankerman," who according to Cody ate his mother, rendering him and orphan. Jessica assures him that he has nothing to worry about, and assumes he goes to sleep.
   But on one of his first nights there, the couple is sitting downstairs, when the room suddenly fills with butterflies, apparently entering the room from and open door. But soon enough, the couple realizes that they're not coming from the garden, but everything that Cody dreams comes true while he sleeps, after they see their son Sean appearing in the living room, the night after talking about him with Cody. Jessica realizes that she can ever touch her son, as if he was real again. She starts to take advantage of Cody's gift, talking about Sean and showing Cody videos of him to stimulate his dreams, to be able to see more of her dead son. However, the couple will soon realize that not only do good dreams come true while Cody sleeps. His nightmares are just as capable of coming alive.
   This movie is an absolute masterpiece, and I love it so much. The actors are amazing, especially Jacob Tremblay who plays Cody. The plot is amazing, the CGI absolutely gorgeous (especially the butterflies, dear lord) and sometimes horrifying as needed for a good horror movie, and I love the ending, as it is a bit open, but we still get all the important answers to our questions, but I won't tell you if it's a happy or a sad one, that's for you to find out. There are things you figure out for yourself, but there are also stuff that comes as a surprise as the movie goes along.
   I would definetly recommend this movie to everyone reading this, if you have as much as a hunch that it might be your style. So if you're even the smallest bit into horror movies, I recommend you watch Before I wake, because I promise you won't regret it!

All the Little Milestones

I tried this thing, which tasted like babyfood

   So yesterday I did something that was pretty unlike me, and I was actually pretty nervous about it. Now, I'm not used to having overnight guests, because I was always the kid that slept over at other people's houses, and didn't really have any sleepovers at my own place, so having a friend over for the night is something I've been avoiding for quite a while, but yesterday I had decided it was time to open up my home to one of my closer friends, and I do not regret it, not one bit. Having people over is pretty common for me, but having them stay the night is a whole other story, and I was a bit nervous that I might be uncomfortable, but I didn't have to worry as what little worry I had disappeared the instant we sat down for dinner. I honestly thought the idea might take some getting used to, but I actually felt okay with it right from the start, which is a huge step forward for me!
   We had a lot of fun last night, starting the night with dinner and then me, Theo, Kira (the friend who stayed over) and one of Theo's friends, Philip, played a few games of Pidro. Kira had never played before, but she was a pretty fast learner and it was a lot of fun, despite us loosing every game except one. Pidro is pretty much based on luck, for those of you wondering.
   We also, despite it being pretty late already, decided to watch a movie before going to bed, and of course, we watched horror. Now the film was pretty good, it was called "Before I Wake", it might just be one of my favourites. Of course there'll be a review of the movie later, at some point.
   I'm very happy about being able to have overnight guests, since it's something that's made me a bit uncomfortable in the past. I see it as a huge step in the right direction, and a definite sign of personal growth to be able to do this. I've actually always wanted to, but never really had the guts, no matter how silly that sounds. When you're struggling with several things, you almost inevitably get some strange issues, and for me, having over night guests is definetly one of those things.

In the middle of pidro

      Lately, I've been doing more and more things that I might not have been comfortable with only a few years ago, and I'm really trying to push myself to get better. I think it's actually working too, and being able to do things that used to scare me, makes me feel so much better about myself! Day before yesterday, I even sang, out loud to about 45 people, alone, which is something I've never done before either. I'm slowly but surely conquering my fears, all the silly little ones I've been clinging to for years are getting broken down and soon enough I won't have anything left to fear. It's been a very long time since I've been so proud of myself, it makes me feel like if I try hard enough, I could actually get well at some point in my life.
   Today is a day for positive thoughts and caring for myself (and of course, a ton of studying, but that's beside the point). How are you spending your Sunday?

New Experiences And New Hair

Outfit from yesterday

   Yesterday was something really special, because I went to ÖNs cabaret, and it was absolutely amazing. Never in my life have I laughed so hard, I even managed to ruin my makeup due to the intense laughter. I'm definetly going next year again, and now I can honestly say I regret not going last year. Who knows, if I have the guts, I might even participate in the next one! Also, look at the adorable outfit I wore! The necklace is actually new, from HexAsylum, if you're wondering (not sponsored btw).
   I also decided to go out with Sara during the day, even though I have another event tonight, but I felt like some dancing and having a couple of drinks, so why not? We also chatted with some of the cast, and I'm actually having coffee with one of the cast members tomorrow. I wasn't planning on staying out very long, but suddenly it was four in the morning and I had to get back home again. By some miracle, I have despite all that been able to study some chemistry today (about three hours) and I'm already excited for going out later today again! This time both Theo and I are going, with Quantum which is the name of ÅA's physics association, and I think it'll be a lot of fun, at least it was last time I celebrated something with them!
   Also, yesterday I started feeling like it was time to change something. I've thought about it for a while, and my brown hair had started to feel a little boring (if you have brown hair and are happy with it, that's great! Brown just isn't a shade that I think suits me very well, I enjoy brighter, more vibrant colors more), like I needed something different. Since it's the only shade I haven't had yet (except grey), I decided to go for a dark red. And I am so pleased with how it turned out.

New hair color!

   Originally, I was actually thinking about a darker red, but I actually like this shade a lot, and I think I'm going to stick with it. I like that it shifts in orange in places, I feel like it seems to have more structure then. Also, if the shade of your hair is too even, I think there's a chance it might look a little bit like plastic, and I really really don't want that. I also feel like my eyes look a bit more green with a more red shade of hair, but that might just be me seeing things. But all in all, I'm really happy with my new color, and I feel like I might stick with it for a while, you know how it is with me and hair, it changes more than I change clothes.
   Otherwise, not much is new. I hope for a great, productive weekend, and I'm actually starting to feel a bit better and more productive again, so that's good. I'm not really there yet, but my mind is starting to clear up, which I've been waiting for for so long.
   I hope you all are having a wonderful Friday, and that your weekend will be filled with great, interesting, productive things! If you're doing something special this weekend, let me know in the comments!

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

      Did you know that the word feminist dates as far back as 1837? Which means, that for almost 200 years, women all over the world have had to fight for their right to vote, the right to own properties, the right to have a choice, and the right to rule their own bodies in cultures where that seems utterly impossible. So really, what have feminists accomplished in all these years? Quite a lot actually.
We see female leaders in several countries, my own having had a female president, something that makes me incredibly proud (check out the map with pink, where pink shades represents female leaders). We have an increasing number of states where woman have the right to vote, and to participate in elections. Around the world, more women know how to read, and get a proper education. Women are attending univiersities in much larger numbers than before, and more women start to realize that they don't have to become mothers, it's a choice like any other. We now realize that we do have a choice, not all of us have to be housewives, we slowly but surely know that we can become anything. Successful doctors and researchers, politicians, astronauts, teachers, own our own companies, and so on and so on. We now realize that we have a choice, that we can realize our dreams just like men can.
   But there's still lots to do. Look at the facts about partner violence around the world. Violence in every form is more common towards women, all over the world (that's not to say it doesn't happen to men, it's just more commonly aimed towards women, so let's focus on the bigger problems, please), and there are thousands of cases every year where the people having acted wrong in these situations walk away without consequence. There are still places where women don't vote, where they don't believe they have a choice regarding their bodies, their life or their views. This is something we need to deal with, and we need to do it now. The person you're with should be loving and supporting you, not hurting you.We've come a long way. We're close to equal pay, most women in the world have a right to vote, and a large number has the right to an education and to pick what their life looks like for themselves. We have female politicians, female leaders to look up to. We have the opportunity to actually choose our own careers. But we are far from equal to men, in many ways.

   So the most important thing to remember this International Women's Day is that we're still fighting. We're still clinging onto what we have, demanding to be treated as equals, and that is amazing. This International Women's Day, think of the women who inspire you. Who makes you want to become a better, more successful you. For me, it's two people: Marie Curie, and my mother.
   Remember to fight for your rights, because although they should be a given, they should be obvious, there are still places where they are not. I am incredibly lucky to be living in a place where I get to make my own choices, growing up with parents who told me I could become anything I wanted. I'm aware that I'm lucky, which makes me want to shine even more light on the injustices around the world.
   So happy International Womens Day! Today we celebrate our progress, the women who made it possible, and shine a light on all the things that still need to get done in order to finally be treated as equals!
To all my girls and ladies out there: be proud of yourself today. Celebrate that you are women, that you're strong, and remember that you are beautiful and a force to be reckoned with!

Where Have I Been?

   You may or may not have noticed that I've been gone for a while, and here's why. I haven't been feeling too well lately, but don't worry, I'll be back to my regular self in no time!

The Bucket List (3/4)

1. Be at Forum Marinum
2. Be an actor in a play
3. Braid my daughter's hair
4. Hold an eagle
5. Paint with my children
6. Have a wonderful garden
7. Own 20 cacti
8. Have a huge teddybear
9. Be at a ball in a castle
10. Make my community more green
11. Be able to speak in 10 languages
12. Play in an orchestra
13. Spend a month in Russia
14. Save a stranger's life
15. Visit the biological museum in Åbo
16. Meditate with buddhists
17. Attend a first aid class
18. Have a perm
19. Meet Connor Franta
20. Learn how to play guitar
21. Illustrate a book
22. Clean Aura
23. Own a franchise
24. Be on Ellen
25. Paint my child's nursery
26. Ride a steamboat
27. Swim in the Indean Ocean
28. Attend a Muslim religious service
29. Have a perfect Christmas
30. Visit the Botanical Garden
31. Have a tattoo on my wrist
32. Paint a guitar
33. Have long hair again
34. Ride a golf cart
35. Make my own table in a woodshop
36. Kiss Theo at the top of a ferris wheel
37. Own a diamond ring
38. Have a pool
39. Sew my own clothes
40. Have two-colored hair
41. Visit Central Perk
42. Bowl a turkey
43. Dance in a Chanel dress
44. Pierce my lip
45. See Big Ben
46. Wear clown shoes
47. Finally read How To Kill a Mockingbird
48. Meet Millie Bobby Brown
49. Bake a cake with three stories
50. Reach 100,000 unique visitors on the blog (we reached 80,000 today, wohoo!)
51. Write down my entire bucketlist
52. Work in an office
53. See Titanic
54. Have a proper tan
55. Have my child's name tattooed
56. Own a beach house by the coast
57. Restore an old apartment
58. Climb a light house
59. Publish a collection of short stories
60. Ride a doubledecker in London
61. Take cute pictures at Disney Land
62. Read all Stephen King's books
63. Smoke a cigar
64. Own a wok pan
65. Wear ugly Christmas sweaters with Sara
66. Run four days a week for a year
67. Ride a cab in New York
68. Build my own library
69. Bake snowballs with Theo
70. Email people who influenced me and tell them how they improved my life
71. Read all Kepler's books
72. Bleach my teeth
73. Eat dragon fruit
74. Have a picnic in France
75. Jetski
76. Get someone a trip as a surprise
77. Be interviewed for a magazine
78. Own a cute set of cozy clothes
79. Weave a carpet
80. Write a book on depression
81. Party in Florida
82. Get my life together
83. Try a smoothie cleanse
84. Own a collie
85. Direct an episode on a tvshow
86. Have my own art studio
87. Stay up for 48 hours
88. See Snakes on a Plane
89. Make my own sushi
90. Play basketball outdoors
91. Actually drink enough water during a day
92. Learn how to properly do makeup
93. Take an IQ-test
94. Play football with my kids
95. Finish the co-op part of Portal with Theo
96. Have a Spotify playlist of 100 hours
97. Find myself
98. Make a wooden sculpture
99. Be a great mom
100. Attend a drama class
101. Get married in a designer dress
102. Have a "beautiful mind wall"
103. Write an article for a newspaper
104. Invest in stocks
105. Start a pension
106. Have a themed party for Halloween
107. Be a substitute teacher
108. Get engaged
109. Have chickens again
110. Host a game night
111. Color my hair dark red
112. Make my own candy
113. Actually finish my house in Minecraft
114. See the entirety of Supernatural w. Theo
115. Have a dish named after me
116. Be without chips and candy for 1 month
117. Take a dance class
118. Have a wedding with 300 guests
119. Live in the same place for 30 years
120. Have a cat named Sokrates
121. ... and one named Mo
122. Write a fantasy book
123. Paint my own house
124. Have an oldfashioned tea party
125. Write a romantic novel
126. Write my own column
127. Be on Finnish television
128. Have a huge party when I turn 40
129. Finish a 10.000 piece puzzle
130. Actually like my body
131. Try pottery
132. Have an Instagram picture with a celebrity
133. Own an impala from 1967
134. Try LARPing
135. Use a phone booth
136. Make a vision board
137. See Annie
138. Move in with Theo
139. Spend 1000 in the same place
140. Have a spiritual journey
141. Visit a famous prison
142. Donate 100,000 to charity
143. Work for UNESCO
144. Be at a trial
145. Have rasta hair
146. Help the homeless
147. Play the clarinette
148. Become a better person
149. Work as an author
150. Read a book in German
151. Take a Latin class
152. Decorate my own house
153. Work in the restaurant business
154. Meet someone who's been in prison
155. Live on a boat
156. Have a book sell 100,000 copies
157. Read Agatha Christie's biography again
158. Eat a watermelon in one sitting
159. Visit the 10 biggest capitals in the world
160. Kiss in Antarctica
161. Own both a stationary computer and a laptop
162. Write a series of books
163. Actually finish a stick of lipbalm
164. Salsa dancing
165. Eat escargots
166. Ride a camel in the desert
167. Visit Chili's
168. Own part of a rainforest
169. See a supercomputor
170. Have a wonderful bachelorette party
171. Own an old revolver
172. Be a bridesmaid
173. Have a conversation with a robot
174. See the Sahara desert
175. Eat moussaka
176. Morning yoga
177. Own a samurai sword
178. Play baseball
179. Contribute to research
180. Meet a famous scientist
181. Grow my own food
182. Have  a blog post reach 100,000 reads
183. Own a horse
184. Go horseback riding with Theo
185. Geocacheing in another country
186. Shake hands with Malala
187. Eat masala dosa
188. Get rid of my depression and anxiety
189. Help people get fresh water
190. Save 10,000 and travel for the money
191. See a glacier
192. Have had every haircolor
193. Visit a bar with my sister
194. Spend 1000 nights in hotels while travelling
195. Make up a food
196. Have sheep
197. Invest in a club or a bar
198. Meet 100 followers IRL
199. Eat zucchini flowers
200. Try to deepfry something
201. Actually have a sleep schedule
202. See Mount Vesuvius
203. See the Dubai Miracle Garden
204. Visit an ortodox church
205. See Dracula's castle
206. Be married for 20 years
207. Attend 100 concerts
208. Bike one lap around the world
209. KBBQ
210. Make an apartment tour
211. Have a music video on Youtube
212. See a sunset and a sunrise in the same day
213. See van Gogh's paintings
214. Become a grandmother
215. See a pharaoh
216. Speak with a parrot
217. Become an aunt
218. Own a pig
219. Actually buy a game on steam
220. See wild lions
221. Camp out in a jungle
222. Eat teppanyaki
223. Sleep at the top of a mountain
224. Drive through Europe
225. Be on a gameshow
226. Actually finish a sketchbook
227. Build a treehouse
228. Have a puppy
229. Visit Gaggan
230. Sleep in a sleeping pod
231. Eat curry laksa
232. See Victoria falls
233. Experience a monsun
234. Ride an ostridge
235. See the house from Up
236. Finish a 5000 piece puzzle on my own
237. See the Atomium
238. See the Nazca lines
239. Have a meal made by Gordon Ramsay
240. Visit Henn Na Hotel
241. Live in London for a year
242. Visit the Oscars
243. Meet Elon Musk
244. Have a meal on a mountain
245. Sleep in an igloo
246. Eat sum tam
247. Build a playhouse
248. Apple picking
249. Make a Halloween pumpkin carving
250. Ride an elephant

It's Been A Month...

   It's been a month since I moved in with Theo, and to be completely honest with you, not much has really changed. I mean, we've been spending almost every day together since the day we met, so that didn't really change, the only read difference is that I have all my stuff here.
   But what do I think about actually living with someone, something that I haven't done before? I absolutely love it! While living alone certainly has advantages, like you can always have your personal space (because you know, the entire apartment is your personal space) and if you need silence to be focused and work, then great! But, I honestly like living with someone more. Because I'm never alone, but if I need to be alone, I can just tell him and he lets me. I can always eat every meal with someone else, which is great because I hate eating alone.

   So if I'm being honest, I actually like living with someone a little bit more than living alone. But since I still get to have quite a bit of personal space, not much has really changed, except I now enjoy his company for a larger part of my day. And living with someone else is, of course, a really unique experience, because it's like nothing else that you do with your life. Sharing you time and your stuff with someone in that ways is something special, and I hope that you're enjoying living with your partner, if you currently are. And of course, if you're living alone, make sure you enjoy that too, because you probably won't be doing that for the rest of your life. Living alone is something really unique too!

   In other news, today I'm going home! For the first time in a long time, I'm going home to visit my parernts, friends and my family. I'm really looking forward to meeting everyone again, and I honestly can't wait to hug my cat. I get to hug my cat in something like 7 hours! How awesome is that? I haven't been home since Christmas, so I really look forward to seeing everyone again. Also, my parent's are making some changes to my old room, and I can't wait to see what they've done with it!
For now, I have to go do some serious dishes and pack my bags, because since I suck at time management (as we all know) I haven't done any of that yet.