I Don't Like Myself

Leftover picture from the recent video

   I often speak about the fact that I don't like myself, but I never really give any reasons why, so I decided to add a list while I'm watching the game with Theo. So here are a few reasons why I'm a crappy person! Don't worry, I'm also going to add five reasons I think I'm amazing, I'm not going to outright hate on myself publically. I just think it's important to know and be honest about your weaknesses, and as I'm trying to be honest and improve myself, I decided to make this list, so here we go.
   The first thing I don't like about myself is my body, and if you've been following along on the blog, this shouldn't come as a surprise. Recently I've gained a bit of weight, and I am obviously not a fan, because I'm neither at a healthy weight or in a healthy place right now. Hopefully, that'll change soon, because I am trying to watch what I eat a bit more, and I'll try to eat less sweets.
   The second thing I don't like about myself is the fact that I always feel like I should do more. I could literally work myself into the ground, and still feel like there's more that I can do. It makes me feel like I'm not trying enough, even though I know that I am. This is something that, at least for me, ties into the way I'm feeling about my mental health right now, which means that this too will pass, yay!

Tonight's drink while we watch soccer

   The third thing I don't like about myself is my nose. There's not really much I can do about that, so I try to not think about it a lot, because I'm not going under the knife just to reshape my nose!
   The fourth thing I don't like about myself is how I handle compliments. Either I subconciously find something negative within the comment (for example, if someone said "you look nice today" I would probably focus on the today- part, making me think "so I don't look nice any other day?"). This is also something that ties into my mental health, which means it will pass. Wohoo!
   And now for the things I love about myself, that make me feel happy or stuff that I'm just in general proud of.
   Firstly, I'm insanely proud of the work I do. The blog, my youtube channel, the fact that I, some day would like to be a published writer and I'm working on that every day. I am one of the lucky few making money of something that used to be nothing but a hobby (the blog that is, notice the ads), and having that as a side income. Not many people can say they do anything but spend money on their hobbies. And though it's not a lot of cash, it's steadily increasing. I'm also insanely proud of my amount of followers, because I've worked hard to reach all of you. The number of visitors now goes as high as 600 on some days, and we're approaching 100.000 unique ones since I started this blog, how amazing is that? The aspiring writer in me thanks you.
   The second thing I like about myself is my hair. It's amazingly strong, and it can take all the coloring, bleaching and all the cutting I've put it through the past years. Thank you, hair! You are stronger than I'll ever be.
   Speaking of strong, that's the third thing I can proudly say is on my list. I have gone through a lot, from friends talking shit, to illnesses both regarding myself, friends and family members, I've been bullied and humanity has been a general shitshow for a large part of my existance. But still, I stand up for my values, my opinions and my rights. People can call me a lot of things, but weak isn't one of them. Not physically, or mentally, since I am also perfectly capable of lifting my boyfriend and carry him around our apartment, believe it or not!
   Fourth, I'm insanely proud of my artistic talents. I can knit, crochet, draw, paint, and write all kinds of texts that you can imagine, and honestly, I'm determined to have a career where I can use all of those talents.
   And fift, there are so many other reasons. I know I'm good at multitasking, I like the color of my eyes, I have an amazing apartment... There are so many things that I'm proud of, and happy about that the bad ones honestly fade most of the time, that is, on the days I feel well. I wanted to use this point to say that I'm proud to be passionate, that I speak my mind, that I'm not afraid to laugh, to have humor, to make noise and take up space. I'm proud that I'm a feminist, that I managed to get such an amazing partner, that I'm good at picking outfits, that I've finally learned how to make my eyebrows look somewhat like they should, that I'm attending my dream university, that I'm working hard to find my place in life, that I'm making my bucketlist, and that I'm constantly working on improvement.
   All in all, I think I'm a pretty good person. At least, I try to be. My negative sides are fewer than the positive things I can find in myself, and the bad ones I can work on improving (you know, except the nose). I've come a long way with how I see myself, and you know what? I'm going to get even further.