Let's Talk About Mental Health

   I finally feel free to tell the world. I come from a culture where no one really says anything, unless they really have to, I'm sure many of you do too. We don't tell people we don't feel good, we continue struggling in silence until our problems go away. But I have decided that that's not a tradition I want to continue, I want to be able to talk openly about the things that are on my mind and not always first think "What will others think?" instead of "What do I want to do?" So here it goes. I'm depressed. Now, if you don't want to read anything about it, I recommend you stop here, because personal posts are not for everyone, and if you don't want to know, then you don't. If you still want to read this post, please do so respectfully, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask me.
   Let me be the first to say that my depression is far from the worst cases. My illness does not in any large way inflict on my life. I'm able to study, I have a social life, I have a functioning relationship with the world around me. That's not to say that I'm "more or less depressed" than anyone else. I'm just a different kind.
   I often get the feeling people think depression is closing yourself in in a single room for days without talking to anyone, or wanting to jump off a bridge every time you see one. While those are signs of depression (distancing yourself from other people and wishing or wanting to harm yourself), these are not the only symptoms of the illness. Depression is more than not being able to get up in the morning. Symptoms of depression vary from lost interest in old hobbies to selfharm to showing less emotions to being more emotional to barely having any symptoms at all. That's the thing about depression: it's different for everyone who has it.
   So what are my symptoms? I sometimes lack an appetite, which is very common. I always eat three meals a day, but sometimes it's pretty clear that I don't want to. My will to be sociable changes from day to day: some days I love being around people, other days my boyfriend is more than enough. I also have a lot of days where my motivation to do the simplest things (like study for a test for example) is lacking, but then other days I can do everything I want and then some. I find it hard to express feelings, especially negative ones like sadness or anger. I don't cry as much as a normal person, but can suddenly burst into tears for the smallest of reasons, like not finding my other sock (although the sock is not the real reason, but there's an underlying one, which I'm sure you understand). I have trouble liking myself and being proud of the things I do, I often don't like the way I look, think or act.
   That last one is particularly hard and important. Going through your days not being able to appreciate yourself is very hard. Feeling like you're not good enough is intensely harsh on all the things and sometimes even the people you surround yourself with. I have always been told I'm beautiful, from several people surrounding me. My mother, my boyfriend, my friends and relatives... But I can't see it that way. When you're depressed, it's very hard to see something positive in yourself, despite it being pointed out to you. Like even if you've been told you're smart, you've got good grades to prove it, you read a lot of books and understand most of what happens in the world, if you're depressed, you will probably not be able to see yourself as particularly smart or intelligent.
   Depression is a tricky illness. Some people have a clear reason for their depression: substance abuse, a divorce, loosing someone close to them. Some have a fuzzy reason that spans over several years, there's no particular event that triggered the illness: abuse, bullying, not fitting in etc. And some people, like me, don't have a reason at all. Sure, I had a though time all through school, not being too appreciated by my fellow students, but that doesn't bother me. I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me, I'm attending a university I've always wanted to attend. There's no reason for why I'm depressed, and that's actually pretty common. Not everyone has a clear reason.
I feel like no one talks about depression enough. It's a huge problem here in Finland, and in other countries too, but I honestly believe that our rates of suicide would go down if we were allowed to talk about all the things that bother us and bring us down. Not talking about depression doesn't make it go away, it makes it worse, something I've first hand experience of. I have closed off that part of myself for a very very long time, and it's only in the past year that I've started talking about it even a little bit. I've told my family, my closest friends, my boyfriend and other people who needed to know. And now I'm ready to tell you.
   So really then, why am I telling you?
   The first reason for my newly found courage comes from the fact that mental illness has finally begun to appear more in media. We're seen as valid, just like diabetes and needing glasses, there's something in our system that's not working (and yes, depression can also be purely medical, for example due to lack of certain vitamins or minerals, or hormonal reasons). It's more common to actually talk about depression, and I no longer feel like I have to hide.
   The second reason is, as mentioned, that I feel like no one talks about it here. If someone breaks their arm or leg, they brag about it. People sign their casts, they ask how they're doing. But depression is a sickness concentrated to your brain, which (for some reason I cannot for the life of me figure out) is not treated like a sickness at all. It's treated like some taboo we can't talk about. You wouldn't hide something being wrong with your hand, why would you hide some glitches in your brain? Depression, and other mental illnesses needs to be talked about more. A lot more. We shouldn't have to hide and be scared all on our own. We shouldn't have to suffer in silence.
   And the last reason: I don't want to hide things from you. Writing this post is a scary, scary thing, because as I just mentioned: I always think first about what others would think about me than what I actually want to do. Since my culture practically forbids me from talking about any difficulties I might face, I'm expecting quite a backlash from publishing this. If you know me personally, and disagree with me posting this: this is something important to me. This is part of who I am right now, this is my space and I have a right to posting whatever I want here. If this post doesn't suit you, if me sharing this is "not your taste" or you think it's "inappropriate", then that's your opinion. You didn't come here to read your thoughts on a blog, you came here to read mine. If you want something that mirrors your views: start a blog of your own.
   This blog has grown, and is still growing, from a handful of readers every day to a couple hundred every day and then several thousand each month. You've gotten to know me quite well: you know my stance on politics, you know that I believe in equality, you know that I want to become a writer (you might even have read some of my work here), you know my likes and dislikes. This is, for me, just another part of my life I choose to share with you. I don't want you to think of me differently because of this post. And if you see me in real life; don't act differently around me. I'm not made off glass, you'll not accidentally (or on purpose) going to break me.
   I'm not any different from before I wrote this. I'm still the same person, and I will act the same way. Me being depressed and you knowing about it, does not change me.
   Finally I'd like to say some that's meant for those of you who are struggling with depression, or think you might be: talk to someone. Professional is preferred, but if you feel you can't, talk to someone close to you. Your best friend, your parents, your boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, your best bud at work.

   It doesn't matter who you talk to, the point is that you do. Trust me, nothing will be better because you don't share your thoughts with anyone. It can only get better from that point.
   Lastly, I want to tell you that I'm getting better. I'm fighting hard, I'm making more positive decisions for myself, and I'm making progress. This wouldn't be possible without the people who are closest to me: I love you all so much! I feel better than I did last January, and a lot better than the year before. It's amazing to notice the changes, I even sleep better. I'm on my way back up from the harsh state depression brings you into, and hopefully I will soon be able to call myself well.
   If any of you are struggling with depression, or even of you just are at a personal low: things actually do get better, it's not just something people say to cheer you up. Keep fighting, if I can do it, so can you!